Saturdazed and Sunfused

Spend all week working and stressing, waiting for the weekend.

Go out have a few drinks, meet a few people, try not to get drunk.

Dance with strangers, lines for bathrooms, crowds at the bar, patience is tested. 

Don't know if I wanna be there or not, I'm just going through the motions and jam to whats playing. 

Get a little dazed out in my environment, its normal to forget things. 

Make sure to get home, don't spend the cab fare, that shot ain't needed.

See the sun come up, my favorite thing to do.

Go to sleep, wake up confused, go through my phone no evidence, fuck what did I do?

Nothing's wrong, bet guess I'll breathe out "phew".

I know in a few days, pics will be uploaded and I'll see if I come out in them.

I struck a few poses, there was nothing to it. 

I don't know if I want the party to end.

Listen to some oldies, songs I didn't hear the night before.

Start thinking about the things I wanna do.

Think about what to paint, and write.

Put my energy in something else.

Maybe next weekend will be different, try something new.

Think about the night before and those before it, 

yet in the end though, I put it all in retrospective, it was a good night after all, why not allow a part 2?

Understanding the Beast- Goodbye 2015

"A mistake can be as simple as writing fresh produde on a grocery sign, or it can be as destructive as making a wrong assumption. Either way you do what you can to learn and move on"- Me.

Before I start this ain't some new year new me bullshit. Fuck that I never been one to think like that, January 1st is just the next day, it just happens to be a different year when it arrives. So please be advised this is more about my continuing growth as I get older; mentally, and emotionally.

For years I have said my goal is to calm down the beast within and become one that's acceptable to society, and guess what I've failed each time. I've tried telling it to go away, I've hurt myself in the process, repressing it away only to have it come back out like a jack-in-the-box throwing all my insecurities out for the world to see and fear.

What made 2015 the one to really stand out? This time the beast destroyed my friendships and a chance (or so I thought) to love. I think though its always played that role. I'm a destroyer, not allowed to have nice things. I've stood around and witnessed the damage I've done, I have faced the rejection from those around me and this year ends with me thinking I finally know what to do.

Over the summer, before the the disaster I had an interesting conversation with my cousin and she said she was tired of hearing people break me down and trying to figure me out. That she has known me forever and can say she has witnessed all my flaws but has also seen the good. She said she looks at me and sees the good I have done and continue to do. What had helped her see that was by understanding me; not changing me, not taming me (to think a word used for animals was used towards me). She said being a witness to my experiences helped her understand me, and be able to be the support I needed. She also reminded me of all my fuck ups but told me I needed to hear them, because I needed to know where I went wrong. This subject would be repeated later on, her reminding me.

For 2016 I'm not going to put the beast away, I'm not killing it, or allow it to take over. I want to understand it, support it. I started, been trying to get why it appears and loves to taunt me. So far I've seen that the beast within me isn't just reflected in my anger, but in my art, my work, and studies. It has a drive to be present and it has been working alongside me. I'm not going to lie there are power struggles, but it's a work in progress. My goal is to understand the beast within me, to support it into becoming my passion. I mean to make any relationship work both parties gotta understand and support each other, right?

I'm not saying this is going to make any thing that I have done better. I have the heart of a savage, it's what provides my intensity. Even if it has caused me to make mistakes, I'm finally learning from them.

So yea 2016 whats good?

There's a Light

The sun was starting to go down on the desolate road. It was only appropriate for my car to break down. I heard my father's voice in my head all those times he would tell me to listen carefully to my car, weird sounds were never good, but no I had to be stubborn. I'm as hardheaded as they come, it's why I was in this mess and on this road in the first place. Leaning my head back, I had to think fast.

Smart phone, duh.

I looked at my phone, "fuck" just one bar. I attempted to make a call, but no luck it wouldn't go through. Phone's on 65, at least I had that. I did refrain from opening any network apps. It's easy for me to look at them and get lost in what other people post, but right now I needed to save my battery. I needed to save my car. Shit I needed to save me.

Of course count on me to get on a random road alone, to just become fed up and drive off. I looked at my phone no messages, nothing new I rarely get hit ups. Then again lets be somewhat hopeful, I barely have service.

"Faaaaacccckkkkkkkkk!!!" I screamed out loud, as I hit my steering wheel. I need to get it together. Breathe in, breathe out. I took my phone and opened Siri, "please tell me where I am", secretly hoping that he (yea Siri is a he, and with an Australian accent, don't ask why), would tell me.

"No answer, not enough reception, can't help you, out of order, not in service, fuck your life, fuck your decisions, deal with it, you assed out playa".

Is what my my phone should of said. I sighed, but no reception. Hitting the back of my head against the seat, it was time to think fast and make an executive decision. "Why the fuck did I leave the house?" Fucking anxiety, stays screwing with me. Everyone is hanging out having fun, I've known them for years but right away I ask "What do they see in me?" "Why was I invited?" "Why can't I just chill?". The 15year old in my mind freaking out causing me, a grown adult to just walk out, ignore the questions, hop in my car and drive off. Did I mention I'm slightly intoxicated? And now I'm stranded on a country road, the sun is going down and I'm alone.

Sitting in silence I took one last look at my phone, no messages, apps can't connect, can't make calls. 62% on my phone, sun is going down and I gotta make a move, I'm sure I can walk my way back to the house and tell the guys to help me. But would they? "Shit!" I'm sure I fucked up again, what else is new? Ok breathe in, breathe out. I take my keys, grab my phone and get out of the car. Sun is setting, I start to walk. No headphones, no music, just walking. I know my car is safe. I think it's safe, no it's safe. God it's getting dark, my phone has a flashlight. My heart is beating fast, my anxiety off the chain I know this isn't safe but what else could I do?

I walk alongside the road, where the fuck are we? Why are there no other cars? "UGHHHH!" I look at the sky, it's getting dark, I turn on my phone's light. I think I couldn't have gotten that far? But I wasn't all there. Why hasn't anyone hit me up? They don't miss me, I'm gone, dead to them. I keep walking. I look through the trees, and see smoke in the distance, I stop and stare at it. If I get off the road it can be dangerous. But there could be people, there could be a working phone, I have to pee, why did I have that beer? I feel myself walking towards it, and the closer I get I see the shape of a house, it's dark within the shadows of the trees and as I hope for life, I see it.

There's a light.



Painting: "There's a Light"
Work of fiction by me.

logging into the subway

Torture is being on the subway with no music synced on your phone. I try pandora and YouTube but it fails at certain spots, and face it is it worth the usage of data? Do I really want that text saying how much I used? Beware of that $15 charge if I over do it. I pull out my book, getting into the title I feel like as I enter the subway car "Ready Player One " appears over my head. I'm on a quest to get home, exhausted and done. Working with children during the day, listening to lectures in the evening, my brain is ready to shut off, but I have to complete one final quest: get home. Book in hand I stand by the door, no seat available and I have little will power to even fight for one. My head spins a bit but I place my focus on my book, becoming engaged, surprised I'm enjoying this more than I thought. A part of me wishes to have a place like OASIS to hide, be who I want to be without the past haunting me. Be a hero for a change, instead of a villain. Getting in deeper in my book, I get dragged out by a voice, a high pitched annoying one spitting out teenage banter. I shake my head and try to ignore it. More people get on, some get off, I move over to adjust. Chapter 31, damn I can't believe I'm almost done, what am I gonna read next? Am I ok with my goal this year? 15 books is a lot, maybe I can change it, thats cheating. No brain stay on task. A man sneezes, I cough. "Stand clear of closing doors" ugh how much longer? I check my phone, answer a text, LOL, but am I really laughing? I look out the window, back at my book. My focus is dimming, I put it away, stare out at the world. This experience isn't just my own, I see through the reflection, this moment I'm sharing with all of these people. Some look tired, others looking like they just starting their day. I don't know them, their stories, they don't know mine, but we are all sharing this moment. This train ride. Their noise has become my noise, it irritates me but I just let it sink in. My thoughts are on them, not my own, so I guess it is my OASIS, my way of getting out my real world and being a part of something more. 

socks

Socks are that thing that you're just meant to lose. It never fails I buy a new pack of socks and voila they just start missing and I gotta mix match and fml where did it go??

Now I don't care about mix matching socks, honestly don't. But then sometimes I look at the odd pair and just think ya shouldn't be together, it just doesn't work for me. Like why can't ya be the same and show some sort of order, why the matching sock had to mess things up or was it you? Be honest sock cause you alone now and I gotta make you chill with another sock, maybe it fucked up too and ya both can fuck up together because ya dont match and now I gotta stare at two un-matching socks that FUCK UP MY FLOW! I can't just look down at my feet and be like this is ok, no its not, its terrible and I can't think about anything else cause my fucking socks don't match. 

And as i'm breathing in and out and really look at the mess I've made, I stop and think what am I going off about? It's not so bad, i mean they seem to mesh well, and it's not like people can see they don't match, I gotta wear shoes over them. And if they see, who cares? They my socks, they are working together and doing what they gotta do to cover my feet. Sometimes two different socks can complement each other very well. Stripes and spots, greens with pinks. Maybe I'll find their original partners, maybe those two can work together, but for now I'm just breathing and wearing 2 different socks. 

I'm talking about socks, clearly. Socks. Ok. Just in case, socks. 

Today

Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life. 

I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it for real, for real.

I'm opening my eyes, 

freeing my mind, 

embracing my soul.

It's the quest to make peace with my inner turmoil.

I woke up smiling today,

and my eyes were dry.

No hands on my shoulders,

no guide,

no pep talk,

its just me this time. 

This is my fight, I will rise. 

Clarity on a Mountain Top

Today I found myself on top of a mountain. I looked over the cliff, held my friends camera and snapped everything I could. I wanted to capture that brief moment where I was on top of the world, looking down. My heart pounding, legs weary from walking, feeling myself out of breath, I did it. I struggled to keep up with everyone, but I took my time, kept my pace and lost all train of thought when I finally saw the view. All I could think was the quote "I didn't come here to die, I came here to see if I'm still alive".

We made it, for some of us it was the first time hiking, for others they had experience.But for all of us it was an achievement. None of us got hurt, we all took care of each other. We all stood there and admired the view. We all congratulated each other and celebrated that we did something different. I'm sure whoever was on those trails heard our victory.

As we walked through the town of Cold Springs, looking at the small shops, we laughed out loud making jokes. We were the outsiders, and it was ok, it made us laugh more. It was peaceful. People spoke to us, they said hello. It was friendly. The parade was going down Main Street and it starred all of us. No one seemed bothered, in fact they smiled back our energy radiated in that town.

Then we made our way back to the city. Walking through Grand Central station looking above at the ceiling like a tourist I recorded what I saw. Reality struck though as I heard the noise, and then boom the city reminded me of its rawness.  Drug addicts getting their fill on the subway, cops walking around, cars honking, packed trains with people pushing for seats. I rolled my eyes grabbed a seat.

It's crazy how two places only an hour and half apart by train can be so different. On that mountain I could think and process my thoughts. I could look around and appreciate the simplicity of life. I was able to drain out the toxicity inside of me. I got home and thought with a clear mind how much of this raw, toxic behavior I carry within myself. I can be selfish, obnoxious and insecure. I have done things that have hurt people that I care about, the ones who care about me. I have allowed myself to become one with this negativity, letting things get in my head, and today as I stood on top of that mountain I felt some sort of clarity. But that clarity reminded me that I have to change my ways, I have to take that step and not allow myself to become that person again. Today I got a chance to laugh and go on an adventure with some of them and to feel that positive force from completing a challenge together gave me some assurance that I can change, be a part of something positive. I know I may never be able to fully make it up to the people I have hurt with my behaviors, there will never be an excuse for anything that I have done, but past is prologue, and as the story unfolds the ending can be brighter, better not just for me, but for those that I cherish within my heart but have let down.

I guess what I'm asking for is hope.