New Year...Same Bull

2013
10....
If i learned anything this year its that getting close to people only leaves more confusion and pain. Theres a thrill of getting to know someone and being able to build a connection but it ends the same...they leave and you back on your own feeling sad. You decide to make positive changes to your life but that feeling is still there.
9.....
The sadness leads to thoughts of what do you really have to offer? A pretty face and a laugh dont make anyone want to stay. Then you realize your own body has been failing you and you sit a doctors office tubes of your blood telling them nothing except to just wait and see.
8.....
People will always have expectations from you, how you meet them is on you. There was always a plan and then you get a result that tells you everything you needed to know. Whoever you grew up to become isn't allowed to happen again.
7....
You can train a wild animal and domesticate it but its always going to have its wild instincts come out.
6.....
A great opportunity presented itself and it helped you grow. You finally feel a connection to civilization and a sense of normalcy where people don't want to hurt you. But you realize you know one day you're going to hurt them, because that wild animal is deep inside of you.
5....
You know one day you're going to have to share the bad news with someone who wants to get close to you, but if you can't even tell your own family how can you tell anyone else? You decide to hold it in and make a tough decsion.
4....
You begin to start making changes and its seen by others. You're told compliments and for once feel like a part of something.
3.....
You feel happy, and the sadness that plagued you is gone and for the first time theres a chance where you can share your big secret.
2....
In that moment a weight is lifted off as you hug those that have taken you in despite your flaws and you can just cry out that fear away. All the anger is gone and you now have things to be proud of.
1.....
I guess 2013 wasn't that bad, but there's still so much left to go before I can say I'm ready to be around people. Being let down by someone whom you thought you can count on is difficult to come to terms with, but in losing one person I gained a few more who have shown me they are willing to stay. Hopefully one day I'll have to courage to share with my family the truth but for now I have my friends and I'm doing really well.

2014...you're just another year to me but I can look at you and smile and say this time Ima be ok.

Kill

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNZyIINrHPA

"Kill" Jimmy Eat World

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Sting of Justice

A couple walks out of the movie theater on a humid summer night. The streets are damp from a rainfall they avoided by seeing the movie.  They argue over the significance of the plot without a care in the world. Young love blossoming over a discussion of what the end really means. Lost in their thoughts they don't see the shadow emerge from behind them. 

A tall dark thin figure moves swiftly behind them, his intentions no good , he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a switchblade. The couple stops waiting for a light change, as the figure gets closer, but the night is about the oblivious as a small dart is shot out into the villains neck. Confusion turns to sleepiness as he passes out and collapses to the floor, only to be dragged into the nearby alley. The couple turns around hearing the thud but see nothing behind them, unaware of the danger they were in. The light changes they cross going back into their world, being watched by a figure who gleams a goldish yellow under the moonlight.

The figure sighs as they pick up the perp and tie him up to a lamp post. Turning on their visible headset the figure speaks. 

"Data, drop a pin on this guy and send it out to the cops, he won't be awake for at least 40 minutes". 

The figure makes their way to a rooftop looking down at the couple walking off, sighing to themself. Lifting the steampunk style glasses of, the figure reveals her face. Brown eyes, light tan skin, she bites her bottom lip looks down at her watch. Sirens are heard in the distance, as her watch sends out an alert.

"Data".

"54th and Lex,  jewelry shop, looks like Stylin's guys are at again". 

"Gotcha" she says as she puts down her goggles and makes her way to the edge of the roof. She notices the cops picking up the mugger, and prepares to jump. She jumps, expanding her arms revealing her wing suit as she glides off into the night. 

..........

The police untie the unconscious perp, the dart being removed from his neck and placed in an evidence bag.

"Looks like the bee?" 

"Yep, look is time she left a card." The officer holds up a card shakes his head and throws it to the floor. 

It reads Your Welcome, The Sting of Justice. 

apology

It dawned on me today that I have been selfish. Selfish because I spend my time going back and forth wondering what I do that makes people leave. This year has been a slap to my face, as I tried to get close to people only to have them walk away, sometimes without even a goodbye. The thought that I have to be doing something wrong, and why don't people want to be around me of course cree through and it leaves me caught up in my own bubble of fear and then today I realized something. I spent so much time focusing on my own issue of people leaving that I didn't even look at the people that have always been there.

In my pain, grief and desire to torture myself on everything that I do that can drive people away, I forgot there are people there who despite every flaw that I contain, and despite the amount of times I have fucked up, the truth is and has always been...that they are still there.

My friends...this is my apology. For missing out on family nights, or not making that call or writing that text to say hello. For not being grateful for not sharing my secrets that I have shared with you and for listening to to my mindless rants about nothingness that crosses my mind. Apologies for avoiding social networking because I just cant deal with how stuck I am and don't want to see others living their lives, my selfishness.

I'm sorry. I can't deal with people leaving, but you guys didn't and for that I am ever grateful and love you. You remind me why I am still here and you know who you are.

tomorrow comes today

Because its June....

Did I grow up?

I remember June was exciting when in school. Mostly because summer vacation was around the corner. To look forward to good times, and hangouts. Sitting outside on top of cars talking away about nothing for hours until the Mr. Softee truck would come and we'd get our fill and go home. Those summer nights running back and forth playing an intense game of manhunt. I felt like I had it all....

but that was when I ruled the world.

I wanted to lead a revolution, bring back the nostalgic nights. My first beer, my dancing in the street, my yelling, laughing, crying, echoing in the night. My kingdom was a valley of buildings only 6 stories tall. Complain when cherry dipped cones are being over charged. Teach the younger kids how to play the games right and how to prevent issues with the neighbors.....

but those days fell out of my hands.


I guess what I'm saying is that I'm in the mood for some nostalgia. 

Tomorrow Comes Today- Gorillaz
 

MUSE

Tomorrow night I will be seeing MUSE live for the 2nd time!!. First time was back in 2010.

and now here is my top 5 MUSE songs...


5) Hate This and I'll Love You- Album: Showbiz

4) Plug in Baby- Album: Origin of Symmetry

3) Undisclosed Desires- Album: The Resistance

this video is from when I last saw them. I shot this myself.

2) Starlight- Album: Black Holes and Revelations

1) Hysteria- Album: Absolution

I think I can make a much longer list, because its tough for me to choose. But for now here are my top 5 MUSE songs...Enjoy!!!!

Remember follow me on twitter for concert updates!!! @BarbiQuinn

its been too long

its been way too long since i wrote  on this thing. Idk just been very busy i guess.

I started going to the gym.

I've been trying to figure out all this school stuff (Grad school is kicking my ass, how the hell did i even get in??)

I want to write a lot of things and say so much but when it comes down to it none of it makes any sense so no point in sharing.....

Meet Renji

This is Renji my veil tail betta fish!! I've had him now for almost 2 months. He lives in a 2.5gal mini-bow tank. Owning a betta has become a learning process and so far hes doing very well, compared to when I bought him from a the pet store. I'm slowly becoming obsessed with him, becuase for a fish he has a lot of personality, especially when i get home walk into my room and "greets" me by swimming in the direction I'm standing and staying there staring at me. The top pic is of his home, I have his filter covered in a panty hose to slow down the outflow current, and the bottom picture is of him flaring (showing off lol). BTW if you haven't guessed it, hes named after Renji Abarai from the anime Bleach.