Back in 2011, I didn't think this blog would last. I have enjoyed sharing my thoughts with whomever has taken the time to read them. As of today I will be saying good bye to "Barbi on Barbara" for a temporary hiatus. I have decided to take on a new project and is working on publishing some of my work. I have other personal matters to tend to as well, and need to work on being able to focus my attention on them. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from something we care about to see what else is there to explore. This blog has been a salvation for me. I love to write and love to share my works, and this blog has allowed me come clean with some of my random thoughts. When I first started I mentioned the goal has been "for me to establish where Barbara has gone, and why Barbi is the persona people love". That is still my main endgame and with my newest project I hope it will guide me on the path I've been walking on to achieve finding an inner peace within myself.
While I doubt this blog will be missed, it is still an essential part of my upcomings as a writer and once I feel ready I will return, hopefully with a published collection for you to enjoy.
So goodbye...for now. I wish you all a happy and safe holiday.
What am I thinking?
That young men and women aren't safe out there.
The system that is meant to protect us is failing, and ya can't blame individuals this time.
The same system that trains the good guys, trains the bad ones too.
The same system that makes students focus on taking exams and writing papers over learning what really matters.
The same system that picks who judges the wrong doers.
Who trains them? Enlightens them?
Building relationships with the community is a challenge, but no one is willing to accept it.
So we keep going on day by day, while a son is shot, and a daughter held up in the street.
We do it to ourselves, giving the ok for them to do it to us.
It's time we open our eyes, and see what isn't working anymore.
Peace don't happen overnight, and prayers can only give us a false hope.
It's time we stand together and show that we are more then just statistics and figures.
More than just a background.
We are the people, the people this country was made for, always evolving but not doing anything about it.
Today Disney's version of The Little Mermaid turned 25. In 1989, I was 2 years old, and according to my mother it was the first movie I saw at the movie theater. While I don't remember much about that experience, I do remember it being the first story I loved and feared (Ursula can be scary to a young child). From the music to its characters (minus Ursula, like seriously I'd run out of the room every time her scene came up), I fell for the story of the mermaid who wanted to go to the human world. I wanted to be Ariel. Compared to some of the latest princess movies out these days, I think Ariel still reigns as top of her class.
Now before everyone goes all ape shit on me and say "well she gave up her life for a prince", lets recap real quick. Since the minute we meet her, she is already curious and exploring items that fall from the world above. She has already established that she wants to know more about what is out there, and the idea of becoming human doesn't occur really until she meets Ursula (cringe). Besides, her father destroying all of her human things, Prince Eric is just the push she needs to go out and explore the world she desires to know more about. Yes, she gave up her voice, but what's life without giving up things or making trades along the way. She got the motivation she needed to explore, and you can't lie to me and say the scene of her in town isn't the sweetest thing ever. In fact I wish they spent more time on that, her curiosity in the things she has questioned about is so genuine in this scene, which is only 1minute long!! That's right in only 1 minute we get a look at her finally exploring the world above, and I think that's one of the flaws the movie has. Yes she has to convince the prince to kiss her, and "Kiss the Girl" will always be one of my favorite songs, but I wish that more was shown of her silently getting the answers she wanted. I'd like to think Disney made up for this though with the town scene in Tangled, to me I see it as a tribute of sorts.
(look at the face, Prince Eric who?? its all about this weird small man with a stick)
Anyways enough of me ranting on the film, I want to take the time to look at the original story, by Hans Christian Anderson, whom I recommend if you have a chance look the guy up, he was a sad guy but interesting, then again so were a lot of these children story writers.
(Please note if you do not know the original story please stop here there are spoilers, because I'm nice here's a link The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson for those curious).
In 1992 (because it was written inside by my mom), I was given this book as a gift by one of my neighbors who use to watch over me as a child. Now for those who know the original story, one might think "well this story is a little strong for a child, no?". Maybe I was a weird child, but it was one of my favorite books (even more impressive its a coloring book, and yet I never colored it, wanting to protect it, so yes I was a weird child). This story became one of my favorites, and yes I questioned why her name wasn't Ariel, and where was Flounder? And the most important question, why does she die?
Yes, our heroine, the brave nameless little mermaid, chooses to end her life instead of killing the prince. "SAY WHAT?" The mermaid spends her early life listening to stories told to her about the surface, while her curiosity is not as intense as Ariel's, she finally is given permission to go, and at that moment she sees and saves the prince from drowning and falls in love. Her feelings lead her to ask about humans, and she is told humans are not mortal, but when they die they shall have an eternal soul, something mermaids don't have. Its that, not the prince that causes her to bargain with the sea witch. She doesn't go above for love as her only reason, her drive comes from wanting to know what it means to have a soul. And as I got older and understood that concept, I realized why I love this story so much. Her sacrifice at the end, while seen a tragedy, is still a happy ending for her. She gains what she wanted the most, she felt love, and that love allowed her unable to kill the prince. Her "good deed", if you want to call it that, is recognized and as she turns to foam she feels herself floating into air, beginning her real journey of gaining an immortal soul.
I honestly can go on and on about this, but I think the point I wanted to make is that, at 25 Disney's Little Mermaid did the best it could with such a tragic story. It's easy to look and state the obvious, that she was a princess looking for a prince, but there's just something deeper than that. Ariel and the mermaid wanted to know about things forbidden to them, may it be exploring the human world, or gaining a soul. Truth is both got what they wanted, and they did it their way.
And now I end this very long piece with my favorite scene Kiss the Girl.
"I realized that in my downward spiral of hopelessness I was actually falling into a huge hole created by my absence of basic human graces. The most obvious was forgiveness. If I was wronged by anyone, in or out of the club, I had to be compensated by money or blood. There was no turning the other cheek. When relationships become a ledger of profit and loss, you have no friends, no loved ones, just pluses and minuses. You are absolutely alone."-John Teller
To me a dream is your innermost thoughts, a collection of memories and fantasies. Dreams can give you an insight to a parallel universe where you can see images from places or of people who seem familiar to you, but maybe you have never seen or met them before. It maps out the universe, and you can witness a moment where you are watching yourself. Dreams can be foreshadowing what is to come, or remind you of what has happened. What always gets me about dreams, is how sometimes they are so quick to forget. I can have the most exotic, wild, adventurous dream and my subconscious won't allow me to remember when I open my eyes.
Thump, thump, thump.
Yells.
Yo!
Laughter.
A person lost in thought, while another runs back and forth.
Chase a ball, throw in the net.
Looked over an old set of words.
Went to another old hangout, once called "West Bank".
Can one look back and stare forward?
It hasn't changed.
The vybes are still the same, its just that this time I get to hop on 2 wheels and ride away.
There is this spot that as a child I would find myself playing there. It was one of those places adults would say "don't go back there!", and when I asked "why?" I always got "its dangerous". But being the strange little child, I would always end up not listening and end up there. Something about venturing off into a forbidden area makes the adventure more worth while. The risk of being caught, or getting hurt just added more to the thrill of the adventure. It's a spot that would inspire me to return to the group and share stories that, like Wendy, I would make up. There were ones about a man with red eyes who wanted to kill us, and of a cat that would talk, giving warnings of evil. I became a storyteller for the other kids and these stories would become games and pranks and we would keep going until one of us cried or said enough is enough. This dark place was our Neverland, giving us endless childish adventures, and later on a place for some teenage experiences.
Now as an adult I see it as a dark, desolate, area that I know isn't safe for any child to be alone in, but as I looked at it I saw my self running through it. As when the dogs from the other yard escaped and chased me and my friends, or when we would film silly videos hanging off of the fire escapes. Only with a guiding greenish light that leads us to where we can look into a window and see the lives of other people, a glimpse of who the neighbors really are. Even with those memories though, it let me know that I haven't just entered my dark place. I have always been in this dark place, even as a child.
Laughters are shared The frustration of a draw 4 Arguments of rules Reminders of past times The sunlight rises and hides in clouds The right song plays Damn the dark Damn the light Eyes feel heavy Sleep off the restless thoughts.
She watched the van with much suspicion. It was a hazy summer day, not so hot with a slight wind chill. A perfect day to be out on bike, and as she picked a spot to sit, she kept her eyes on the van. Her childish fear present in her mind. Watching too many action suspense thrillers made her always question vans parked outside. She always feared a white one would pull up and take her away. Silly girl she thought, she was a silly girl with silly thoughts. She smiled to herself, as a rumbling could be heard overhead. The train was passing on the overpass. A few bikes passed by on the lane, she heard children laughing as they played. People laying out on the grass, cars driving by, men fishing whatever they can find in the river. This is what she needed, a moment to enjoy simple everyday things, including the creepy van.
When you realize you're not just sharing a moment with the people you are with, but with nature itself. That it looks at you, as you look at it. A connection is made and you both can share the same space and enjoy the tranquility together. Even in this vast concrete jungle, where I witnessed 4 lives change drastically today, you can make a simple connection with a living thing and watch how it adapted to the same crazy world you live in.
"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one."-Peyton Sawyer
Lately I have found myself in a dark void of not being able to express myself. I get frustrated and distant and i just want to push away. I want to use a wall to give myself a force to just push off in another direction but as I let myself go, I crash into another wall, and make no progress. I have ideas but when I share they are just ridiculed and ignored. And I found myself making a contemplation that I know will only bury me more than I am already. I'm already suffocating and instead of gasping for air I'm holding myself down, face first under water, and the bubbles are slowing down.
I haven't been able to write anything decent in weeks. Been coughing and losing my voice. Been avoiding the foods that make me sick and yet my skin still feels like its on fire. I lay in bed looking at my ceiling, looking for cracks and imperfections. Daymares have become common when i take naps, and at night my dreams are either empty voids or vivid twisted images of places I've never seen in person, but the familiarity leaves me awake with curiosity and fear. I've been reading so many books, and been listening to so much music, but I feel like I've lost all inspiration.
Until tonight.
I felt the wind in my hair, as I pedaled through the streets by my home. My first night, trying something new. I knew what awaited me at home, the anger and disappointment, but for that brief moment I just pushed that voice to the side. I felt it build up as my anxiety reach its ultimate point, my inner voice yelling to stop, and slow down, but I couldn't listen. As the cars passed my side, I kept going pedaling and pedaling. Coasting down to the empty streets where I can claim it as my own, not having to share with no other vehicles. I wanted to feel something, even if it was just my heart racing in my chest. And as I turned into my block, I felt a smirk force its way onto my face and I genuinely felt free...
The doctor sat quietly alone in her office. Windows shut, blinds down, the only light was coming from the lamp on her desk. Looking paper after paper she placed the file on top of the pile on her desk. She sighed took off her glasses and in a trance like state got lost in her thought process. It was a case she was very familiar with, one she has followed for years. She dedicated her life to such a case, making it her companion. But as always it didn't make sense to her, no matter the amount of times she went over each file, she couldn't get over one fact.
It was inevitable.
The craziness was always there, so should she say madness. From the family records to personal notes found, it was present waiting for that push, and she knew exactly what brought it out. Only one person could push another to a brink of insanity.
Him.
The smile, the laugh boosted his charm, and his sob stories could win anyone in the weakest state of mind. The manipulation, the doctor knew, drove the patient to a point of madness, but she also knew that it gave the patient something she never felt before.
Love.
The patient wanted to be loved, she wanted to know another human being cared for her. Sadly he didn't love her, that was clear to anyone with a straight clear mind. It was a fact that many have brought to the patients attention. She was just something he needed. To play with when bored, or even better to bail him out when he was finally caught and beaten by justice. The doctor knew of the day it all finally went down, when the patient gave in and became his pawn in his quest for chaos. Shaking that thought, she put on her glasses she decided to take a walk.
She made her way to the other end of the room and stared into a cell. Her patient sat on the floor, back towards her. A small blonde figure slouched playing with a deck of cards never letting go of her favorite one. The doctor looked closely at what filled the dark cell. A family picture of him with their pets, newspaper clippings with his name on the headlines, and on the nightstand an item the doctor knew meant he was around. A small vase with a single rose in it, with a note, that from far away one could not make out what it said, but the doctor knew who it was from.
She noticed the movement from the cell, as the patient looked up from what she was doing and turned slightly to face her visitor. A moment they both have shared plenty of times before. While at first the doctor would flinch at the sight before her, she has become accustomed to what her patient looked like. Black smudged makeup around her eyes, red markings on her lips, stretched to her cheeks to cover the scars that now stood there. The doctor knew she would paint a huge smile on her face to match her loves glasglow grin, but one day the patient stopped finding things funny.
That day, she thought she made a breakthrough. What pushed her to stop laughing? Why did she finally want to end it and leave? The doctor wondered what changed, but knew it was never going to happen, for once the patient stopped smiling, he took care of it. Leaving her with a scar so she's always laughing. And that's how she was found, smiling and laughing, and brought into her cell, with the pain in her eyes and smile to counter it.
Fixing her glasses, the doctor looked at the figure before her. At that moment they both made eye contact. Green eyes on matching green eyes. Both were slender fit figures with blonde hair, one in pigtails the other in a tight bun. Both women looked and knew the other very well, because they were mirror images of each other. One reminding the other of who she was and who she is now. A remembrance of consequences of gaining something that was never there.
At that moment, the lights of both the cell and office went on, both women looked up and back at each other, they both knew what it meant. Thinking time was over, it was time for the real her to wake up. The sound of hyenas whining for food were heard in the distance, followed by an all too familiar growling laughter. The laughter they both fell for.
The patient went back to her cards, and doctor back to her desk. She knew at the moment she lost, and the balance of power had gone to the broken figure she shared the mind with. All she was now was a memory left to go through the files in a mind lost from being saved.
We were in church like every normal Sunday, of course we were a little late, and my father left us at the entrance so he can go park. Like always we sat towards the back and listened as someone read out loud the Gospel. A little after the priest spoke, but then he grabbed a chalice filled with Holy Water and began to walk around flinging it at people. My mother was sitting by the aisle. He reached to where we were, and “swoosh” my mother had to wipe her face. I held it in but the giggles wanted to sprout right out. “I think it went in my mouth” she said. That’s when I realized the Lord worked in mysterious ways.
A week before we were in Rite Aid on Junction and 37th. I wanted to go to V.I.M. and look at the new Jordans like any normal 14year old, but of course she dragged me with her. Now when I say mami has no shame, its cause she has the mouth of a lion, roaring out her emotions. “Coño nunca tienen tarjetas en español!” In my ears this was normal, but to others they just stared. Someone had to have a baptism today; she had to get it in Spanish. Her words came out like they were speeding through laps around Daytona. I was about to walk into another aisle and wait till she screamed out my name when she was done looking when he spoke.
“If you go down the street, the party favor store has a good selection of Spanish cards.” “Holy Father!” I thought, go figure the Priest from our church was there, and he definitely smelled the foulness coming out of mami’s mouth. She turned, and with a face saying oh crap, she forced the smile said thank you and grabbed me and with that we were out of the store.
Dreams of needles penetrating my skin.
Blood leaks out,
signs of a demon's kin.
I didn;t ask for this torture,
but at times it feels like pleasure.
To feel the wince,
my eyes shut tight.
Why do I not put up a fight?
Could it be I have accepted this fate?
To live these years with my self hate.
Last night was one of those nights where I caught myself feeling down and just plain bored. Sure I was exhausted, who wouldn't be especially after spending all day at work, followed by school, where without a red bull by my side I definitely took a 10 min power nap during presentations. It also didn't help we in a new room now with no windows!!! I feel like its a crime to be in the middle of a beautiful city and have no view of it.
ANYWAYS before I lose my thought...
So yea, I found myself home and I thought about getting into my project but then I was like what the fuck? I have a netflix account and I rarely use it, so I decided to go through it. Surprisingly they have taken away a lot of movies I wish I took the time to see, but glad they added a bunch of classics from my film school days that would make for interesting movie nights (I mean I would love to see my friends reaction to Birth of a Nation, even if we only watch like 30min of it). Now I don't know why (Wait i do because face it I can be a big sap -.-") but I found myself in the romance section and came across a flick called Tonight You're Mine.
I remember seeing the trailer a few years ago so I was like why not?
The premise is simple it takes place at T in the Park, a music festival in Scotland. Two bands bump into each other as they get to the festival only for their respected leads to get into a minor altercation where they end up handcuffed to each other. Can you imagine getting into an argument with someone and ending up being attached to them without the key? 80 minutes are dedicated to watching how these 2 interact not only with each other, but with their significant others, band mates and of course the star of the show the festival itself.
Why is the festival the star?
I always say this, music can bring anything together. It has that type of power. I believe its the music and background that save this movie and what made me enjoy it. It's the idea of being at a place where everyone who is there with you is there for the same reason, to get lost in a world of music and clarity. There are scenes where some of the characters each face a moment of clarity, and even if they don't say it, you know it by their actions. And that's where I realized, sure the dialogue could have been bit cleaner, but you don't really need to hear them speak. You know what they are thinking by how they look and move with one another. These 2 are handcuffed to each other and have to figure out a way to get along and use the music to guide them to where they realize its love. And I'm not talking about falling in love with each other, I'm talking about falling in love with music. And that's where the connection is made. That's what saved this movie and that's what made me enjoy it.
I've added to my bucket list to make it to Scotland one day for this festival. In fact I was just saying the other day I need to go see a live show, because nothing heals my soul like being in a room hearing and feeling the music, and making those connections with people.
Tonight You're Mine (known in Europe as You Instead) you got 4 stars on netflix from me, cause you definitely claimed me last night.
[BOY:]
I can’t stop them from leavin’
I can’t stop them from believin’
And I can’t stop you from leavin’
I can’t stop you from believin’
[GIRL:]
I know I have a way
Of fading when I’m listening
Don’t you know I feel you
And I freak out
And I freak out
[BOY:]
I’d lie if you say so
Come and you go
And you go-go
Come and you go
And you go-go
Come and you go
[GIRL:]
I’m all about the way
Of fading when I’m listening
Close enough to feel you
Don’t slow down
Don’t slow down
[BOY:]
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop… wait
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…
To believe it
I just love the way this song makes me feel...definitely my number 1 on this album.
It happened so fast...or to her it was, her intoxicated mind couldn't tell the difference. Bianca stared at her older brother..ignoring everything he was saying. His words meaning nothing...they didn't matter to her anymore..nothing did. She did all she could to keep it together but he kept on. She looked to her left at Willie passed out on the bed....he was beyond drunk. He told her he was sorry, then threw up on himself.
She was confused.
Listening to Carlos talking, made her sick. She stared at the room...random pictures on the wall....she didn't even know whose house she was in, just another random house party that shes dragged to. The music from the living room echoed in...she broke a sweat....the walls closing in. The music kept pumping...going to the beat of her heart...it kept getting louder and louder...she felt it pulse through her...she closed her eyes...and the voices were gone..she felt calm...she let the music just enter her...its push through her mind...and then SNAP!
...the music stopped...
Groans heard from outside. She tightened her grip on her hoody sleeves...her brother still speaking to her right....Willie smelling like crap to her left....and she stood up.
"Bianca?"...looking only at the door.."Where you going?I'm not done"...ignoring his words..she walked out of the room.
Leaning against the wall she stared at the crowd...the music back on...this time she didn't feel it. She didn't feel anything. Even as she pushed through the crowd she didn't feel them push back into her...a drink spilling on her..she just kept walking..reaching the door...they opened it at the same time.
Marcus stood there staring at her. "You ok?" he asked....
"Leave me alone.."
She pushed him aside and ran out..down the stairs and out the door. It was drizzilin. She felt a grab on her hoody and turned around....it was him..and all she could do was swing at him. Dodging it he tried to grab her hands..using her weight she pushed him against the wall...freeing her hands she swung over and over...managing to get one hit before he picked her up..and swung her around so she was against the wall. Crying out in pain..Bianca couldn't hold it in anymore and cried. Feeling Marcus letting her go...she dropped down to her knees. She stayed there and just cried..leaving him there to hold her..as the rain fell on them.
There's that moment where I found myself today stepping out of the shower,
lost in thought and all of sudden a song I've never heard before comes
on, and in that one moment it tells me everything I need to hear.
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