February 27, 2011

Oscar Night

Its Oscar night. A night I hope to be a part of one day. And some say its just a dream, and I shouldn't think that high.

Now imagine if I was nominated? and win. I can only imagine the screams that would be heard in New York. Hell I'd have a live camera stream at some exclusive Oscar party for my friends, where they can all chill and watch.  I probably mess up on my acceptance speech out of the shock from winning, and most likely cry.

And if I didn't win, it would still be ok. Cause a nomination still means someone out there liked and felt what I was trying to do. And as long as the message of my work is out and delivered that's what matters to me. And I know my peoples would still be proud.

Yea its may only be a dream.....but its my dream.

February 25, 2011

what i feel.

its something like this


and i blame myself for being alone


click above.....thats what I feel right now. I want to cry but like always no shouder to lean on. Nobody to tell me things are gon be ok or hear me out. Then I think that maybe I'm to blame that no one is around.

Someone one said they were glad that something bad happened to me that I deserved it. Did I really?

I never wish anything bad on anyone, I forgive and move on cause its life lesson. Even with the temper and attitude I have sometimes, I have no hate in my heart. Even for those who have wronged me in the past. I just forgve and forget who they were and never think of them again cause they did what they had to do in my life.

And even if I make a mistake I can admit it was a mistake and move on. Its human to have flaws no one is perfect. People just like to remind me of every flaw I have though like its fun for them.

I just want to be happy, and I am deep down inside but I know that if I let it out someone is going to come to take it away from me, just like everything else.

Yea I'm feeling kinda sad today. And this rain just isn't helping.

i guess what I'm asking for is this...so simple..

February 23, 2011

Small World

You know its a small world when the detetecive who was working on my case happens to be from my neighborhood and happens to know the same people my mom use to chill with back in the day (no they not friends or close or even know each other. They have mutual friends). Its these types of coincidences that help break the ice and made it easier for me to speak to him. Also he was in sweats and a tee. He apologized for how he was dressed but I told him honestly the suit would of made me nervous and right now he looked like a regular person that I can feel comfortable speaking with. He continued to apologize but I was cool with it.

Connections between people, strangers or not is always interesting. C.W. Lewis once said "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

People have a habit of thinking that they are the only ones at anything. The only one struggling, or trying to get by. But the truth is everyone has problems, we all just view them differently. Now I don't wanna preach something that's been said over and over, but no matter how many times a person can hear it you be surprised how quick they forget it. So every now and then the reminder is needed. Now that I think about it, I'm reminding myself. 

Anyways...just for the record the case is closed. And if justice is ever served, I believe Judge Karma can handle that. As for me now I'm just going to keep on looking for work and just try to figure out what my next move is. 

February 22, 2011

last week

I don't wanna say I'm frustrated or complain or feel like I'm jynxed. But there are things that have been going on that get me thinking either in my past life I was a shitty person or I honestly have bad luck.

Last week my bag was stolen. Inside it had my essentials. Wallet with cards and pics of those dear to me, my house keys, and my prized ipod (the one thing that keeps me sane). Luckily I had my phone on me. No I didn't see what happened but I have my suspicions and usually I'm right about things.

Now I reacted in a way that some say was too much but others say fair. I terrorized downtown Manhattan by acting in a manner that was brought out by a build up of so much I've been dealing with. Since I quit my job and decided to chase my dreams things haven't been easy at home. My parents feel that I have been wasting my time and have said things that genuinely hurt. I have been looking for work but apparently having a degree only gets you ignored. Its frustrating going to an interview (last week) and figure that its a scam and left once again wondering who's gon call next.

My anxiety also doesn't help.

This build up just exploded when my bag was gone. The little I had taken, and even my id. Some son of a bitch has a piece of me with them and I feel vulnerable. My accounts are frozen until my new cards arrive and my house locks changed.

My life feels like its been paused. Silenced even.

Even with all this though I gotta be glad for the friends who have been with me most of the weekend. To know people have your back is something I can't put into words but it felt good and I guess its what's giving me the strength to not give up.

My only goal now is to get my life back together and be able to walk away from this with a lesson learned.

February 19, 2011

Assignment

Please Don't Take my Air Jordans. -Reg. E. Gaines

Thats the link to the original piece. Maybe im stuck on this but like i said its what got me started. And for some reason it seems right to share. I haven't seen this since high school.

No title I wrote only Poem Assignment (written in 2003)

I was playing some ball
The day of my fall
I was rocking new kicks
While impressing the chicks

They were bright ass white
With a tint of red
18's they call them
The price wasn't bad

It was a quarter past two
when this guy dressed in blue
Started giving me the eye
and followed close behind

I made a sprint toward Houston
When he pulled out a gun
"Gimme them Jordans!"
I heard while I started to run

Next was a "pow" and I fell on the floor
He took off my kicks
And looked at me quick

He left me crying,
not cause I was dying
But cause he took my new kicks
And now I feel like a dick

Now here I am dead
Covered in red
Hope the bastard treats my kicks right
When he goes out tonight.

February 16, 2011

When it began..

For me things become clear once I begin to write. It started when I had an assignment to write my own version of a poem we read in class. I was still Barbara. It was a simple assignment in which I decided to give life to the victim in the poem. His story in that one verse was wild with vivid reds of blood and kicks. His ego torn becuase he wants his killer to keep his Jordans fresh as he dies on the sidewalk. To me it was nothing, but it brought my teacher to tears. She told me I gave someone without a voice a chance to "sing". To me I felt I was being lazy not trying to think so hard of my own poem so I borrowed from the one in class and here I was sitting in class being told what I did was genious.

Not going to lie it felt good to be praised.

After that she told me I should practice more on poetry and free verse. I told her that I really couldnt, that my assignment was a cheat. But she continued and said those that speak a lot usually need someone to listen but sometimes that someone isnt there. So use the pen and paper to my advantage and let it flow. It doesnt even have to make sense. Thats the beauty of writing...the rewrite.

She also told me to take notice art is always borrowing from others. That was before I cared about being an artist in my field or actually taking a look at things. 

I have been writing since, I have notebooks filled with random ramblings and thoughts. Stories and poems that reflect what I hope to one day place on the screen.

In this digital age its time I bring it to some attention. I dont know if anyone is actually going to read this, or read this and care. But this is for me to establish where Barbara has gone, and why Barbi is the persona people love.

I'm not schizo or bi-polar...just trying to find me in a world filled with broken promises and maybes. Limbo like Inception.