Last New Years, I made a huge decision, to allow my demon to sit beside me, and I won't lie its been an interesting journey. Sometimes I wish I can just punch it in the face (would it technically be me punching myself?), and then there are other days where I allow it to console me. I have tapped into its power and instead of feeling cursed, I feel gifted. Fighting your inner self, is exhausting, and before, I would find myself conflicted and unleashing an anger that was more towards me than others. By becoming one with my demon I'm not fighting anyone anymore. I don't see myself going berserk on others, I'm handling situations differently, I'm thinking rationally now.
Now before you go, "wow Barbs, you finally calmed the fuck down", the anger is still there, I just find myself able to keep my emotions in check. There are days where I don't even want to look at myself, or look at anyone for that matter. There are days I struggle with my job, my relationships with people, my overall interactions in life. There are days where I sit quietly, music in the background and I stare at the wall like if something is going to just burst through. I'm still taunted by my demon and I still feel this insecurity that I will always be a savage. That despite how far along I have come, that savage is still inside me, but I have learned to accept that it is who I am, it is what I am, and by pushing that savagery into other things it has moved me to new things. New things that I found in 2016.
For starters, I officially have my Masters degree, something years ago I never thought I could do. My graduation was my victory. As I sat there in that auditorium I kept having to remind myself this is real, that I wasn't dreaming.
Second, I established an understanding of my connections with people. I know there are a few of you that I rarely speak to anymore, and it's nothing against you, it's that within my own search for peace I have disconnected myself from everyone. I allowed myself a fresh start to rebuild what it means to interact with people, and I have recreated these bonds, and feel that now they are stronger, well not with everyone, but this is not the place to share that. I know I'm developing a better understanding of people and I'm more open to the moments I share with them.
Third, I got over my fear of flying, by taking three trips this year. I visited old friends, met their children, had a chance to reminisce about my youth. I visited Costa Rica, and blended in with the jungle. Sat by a stream in my bathing suit and allowed myself to absorb what nature had to offer. The beautiful scenery, the feel of mud on my body, letting it clean away the negativity that was plaguing me. These trips taught me about me, both good and bad moments. I came back to the states knowing what I wanted to do, leading to my fourth and last thing I want to bring up here with you.
As I write this post, with rollers in my hair, music playing, I stare out of a terrace door at the Christmas lights hanging off. Next to it a small tree surrounded by boxes of pop figures, a sleeping bag thrown on the floor, and a small table holding up a recently received Master's Degree, my own. I stare at the new acquired furniture, the pictures of those I care for, and as I write this I smile to myself. Tomorrow New Year's Day will make it one month that I moved out on my own. The surreality of it all hits me. This has been the one thing I wanted for so many years, and now I end 2016 in my own little apartment.
I know 2016 has been dreadful, the "Year of Death" as it's going to be known, but for me it pushed me to do things, to live, and I look forward to the journey 2017 will be. To search within what the universe has in store for me.
Happy New Year!
The following piece is called "I Love You... I Know"painted by me.
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