It happened so fast...or to her it was, her intoxicated mind couldn't tell the difference. Bianca stared at her older brother..ignoring everything he was saying. His words meaning nothing...they didn't matter to her anymore..nothing did. She did all she could to keep it together but he kept on. She looked to her left at Willie passed out on the bed....he was beyond drunk. He told her he was sorry, then threw up on himself.
She was confused.
Listening to Carlos talking, made her sick. She stared at the room...random pictures on the wall....she didn't even know whose house she was in, just another random house party that shes dragged to. The music from the living room echoed in...she broke a sweat....the walls closing in. The music kept pumping...going to the beat of her heart...it kept getting louder and louder...she felt it pulse through her...she closed her eyes...and the voices were gone..she felt calm...she let the music just enter her...its push through her mind...and then SNAP!
...the music stopped...
Groans heard from outside. She tightened her grip on her hoody sleeves...her brother still speaking to her right....Willie smelling like crap to her left....and she stood up.
"Bianca?"...looking only at the door.."Where you going?I'm not done"...ignoring his words..she walked out of the room.
Leaning against the wall she stared at the crowd...the music back on...this time she didn't feel it. She didn't feel anything. Even as she pushed through the crowd she didn't feel them push back into her...a drink spilling on her..she just kept walking..reaching the door...they opened it at the same time.
Marcus stood there staring at her. "You ok?" he asked....
"Leave me alone.."
She pushed him aside and ran out..down the stairs and out the door. It was drizzilin. She felt a grab on her hoody and turned around....it was him..and all she could do was swing at him. Dodging it he tried to grab her hands..using her weight she pushed him against the wall...freeing her hands she swung over and over...managing to get one hit before he picked her up..and swung her around so she was against the wall. Crying out in pain..Bianca couldn't hold it in anymore and cried. Feeling Marcus letting her go...she dropped down to her knees. She stayed there and just cried..leaving him there to hold her..as the rain fell on them.
-written either 2006-2007
January 26, 2014
January 25, 2014
Argent ~ Hold Your Head Up (1972)
There's that moment where I found myself today stepping out of the shower,
lost in thought and all of sudden a song I've never heard before comes
on, and in that one moment it tells me everything I need to hear.
January 12, 2014
December 31, 2013
New Year...Same Bull
2013
10....
If i learned anything this year its that getting close to people only leaves more confusion and pain. Theres a thrill of getting to know someone and being able to build a connection but it ends the same...they leave and you back on your own feeling sad. You decide to make positive changes to your life but that feeling is still there.
9.....
The sadness leads to thoughts of what do you really have to offer? A pretty face and a laugh dont make anyone want to stay. Then you realize your own body has been failing you and you sit a doctors office tubes of your blood telling them nothing except to just wait and see.
8.....
People will always have expectations from you, how you meet them is on you. There was always a plan and then you get a result that tells you everything you needed to know. Whoever you grew up to become isn't allowed to happen again.
7....
You can train a wild animal and domesticate it but its always going to have its wild instincts come out.
6.....
A great opportunity presented itself and it helped you grow. You finally feel a connection to civilization and a sense of normalcy where people don't want to hurt you. But you realize you know one day you're going to hurt them, because that wild animal is deep inside of you.
5....
You know one day you're going to have to share the bad news with someone who wants to get close to you, but if you can't even tell your own family how can you tell anyone else? You decide to hold it in and make a tough decsion.
4....
You begin to start making changes and its seen by others. You're told compliments and for once feel like a part of something.
3.....
You feel happy, and the sadness that plagued you is gone and for the first time theres a chance where you can share your big secret.
2....
In that moment a weight is lifted off as you hug those that have taken you in despite your flaws and you can just cry out that fear away. All the anger is gone and you now have things to be proud of.
1.....
I guess 2013 wasn't that bad, but there's still so much left to go before I can say I'm ready to be around people. Being let down by someone whom you thought you can count on is difficult to come to terms with, but in losing one person I gained a few more who have shown me they are willing to stay. Hopefully one day I'll have to courage to share with my family the truth but for now I have my friends and I'm doing really well.
2014...you're just another year to me but I can look at you and smile and say this time Ima be ok.
10....
If i learned anything this year its that getting close to people only leaves more confusion and pain. Theres a thrill of getting to know someone and being able to build a connection but it ends the same...they leave and you back on your own feeling sad. You decide to make positive changes to your life but that feeling is still there.
9.....
The sadness leads to thoughts of what do you really have to offer? A pretty face and a laugh dont make anyone want to stay. Then you realize your own body has been failing you and you sit a doctors office tubes of your blood telling them nothing except to just wait and see.
8.....
People will always have expectations from you, how you meet them is on you. There was always a plan and then you get a result that tells you everything you needed to know. Whoever you grew up to become isn't allowed to happen again.
7....
You can train a wild animal and domesticate it but its always going to have its wild instincts come out.
6.....
A great opportunity presented itself and it helped you grow. You finally feel a connection to civilization and a sense of normalcy where people don't want to hurt you. But you realize you know one day you're going to hurt them, because that wild animal is deep inside of you.
5....
You know one day you're going to have to share the bad news with someone who wants to get close to you, but if you can't even tell your own family how can you tell anyone else? You decide to hold it in and make a tough decsion.
4....
You begin to start making changes and its seen by others. You're told compliments and for once feel like a part of something.
3.....
You feel happy, and the sadness that plagued you is gone and for the first time theres a chance where you can share your big secret.
2....
In that moment a weight is lifted off as you hug those that have taken you in despite your flaws and you can just cry out that fear away. All the anger is gone and you now have things to be proud of.
1.....
I guess 2013 wasn't that bad, but there's still so much left to go before I can say I'm ready to be around people. Being let down by someone whom you thought you can count on is difficult to come to terms with, but in losing one person I gained a few more who have shown me they are willing to stay. Hopefully one day I'll have to courage to share with my family the truth but for now I have my friends and I'm doing really well.
2014...you're just another year to me but I can look at you and smile and say this time Ima be ok.
November 3, 2013
Kill
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNZyIINrHPA
"Kill" Jimmy Eat World
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away
So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
"Kill" Jimmy Eat World
Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance? (chance?)
Or only one way that it was always meant to be (be)
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain (vain)
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means (means)
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away
So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
(Know what you want to say)
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby, this is who I am (am)
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel (feel)
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break (hey hey, hey hey)
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
October 21, 2013
Sting of Justice
A couple walks out of the movie theater on a humid summer night. The streets are damp from a rainfall they avoided by seeing the movie. They argue over the significance of the plot without a care in the world. Young love blossoming over a discussion of what the end really means. Lost in their thoughts they don't see the shadow emerge from behind them.
A tall dark thin figure moves swiftly behind them, his intentions no good , he reaches in his pocket and pulls out a switchblade. The couple stops waiting for a light change, as the figure gets closer, but the night is about the oblivious as a small dart is shot out into the villains neck. Confusion turns to sleepiness as he passes out and collapses to the floor, only to be dragged into the nearby alley. The couple turns around hearing the thud but see nothing behind them, unaware of the danger they were in. The light changes they cross going back into their world, being watched by a figure who gleams a goldish yellow under the moonlight.
The figure sighs as they pick up the perp and tie him up to a lamp post. Turning on their visible headset the figure speaks.
"Data, drop a pin on this guy and send it out to the cops, he won't be awake for at least 40 minutes".
The figure makes their way to a rooftop looking down at the couple walking off, sighing to themself. Lifting the steampunk style glasses of, the figure reveals her face. Brown eyes, light tan skin, she bites her bottom lip looks down at her watch. Sirens are heard in the distance, as her watch sends out an alert.
"Data".
"54th and Lex, jewelry shop, looks like Stylin's guys are at again".
"Gotcha" she says as she puts down her goggles and makes her way to the edge of the roof. She notices the cops picking up the mugger, and prepares to jump. She jumps, expanding her arms revealing her wing suit as she glides off into the night.
..........
The police untie the unconscious perp, the dart being removed from his neck and placed in an evidence bag.
"Looks like the bee?"
"Yep, look is time she left a card." The officer holds up a card shakes his head and throws it to the floor.
It reads Your Welcome, The Sting of Justice.
October 17, 2013
apology
It dawned on me today that I have been selfish. Selfish because I spend my time going back and forth wondering what I do that makes people leave. This year has been a slap to my face, as I tried to get close to people only to have them walk away, sometimes without even a goodbye. The thought that I have to be doing something wrong, and why don't people want to be around me of course cree through and it leaves me caught up in my own bubble of fear and then today I realized something. I spent so much time focusing on my own issue of people leaving that I didn't even look at the people that have always been there.
In my pain, grief and desire to torture myself on everything that I do that can drive people away, I forgot there are people there who despite every flaw that I contain, and despite the amount of times I have fucked up, the truth is and has always been...that they are still there.
My friends...this is my apology. For missing out on family nights, or not making that call or writing that text to say hello. For not being grateful for not sharing my secrets that I have shared with you and for listening to to my mindless rants about nothingness that crosses my mind. Apologies for avoiding social networking because I just cant deal with how stuck I am and don't want to see others living their lives, my selfishness.
I'm sorry. I can't deal with people leaving, but you guys didn't and for that I am ever grateful and love you. You remind me why I am still here and you know who you are.
In my pain, grief and desire to torture myself on everything that I do that can drive people away, I forgot there are people there who despite every flaw that I contain, and despite the amount of times I have fucked up, the truth is and has always been...that they are still there.
My friends...this is my apology. For missing out on family nights, or not making that call or writing that text to say hello. For not being grateful for not sharing my secrets that I have shared with you and for listening to to my mindless rants about nothingness that crosses my mind. Apologies for avoiding social networking because I just cant deal with how stuck I am and don't want to see others living their lives, my selfishness.
I'm sorry. I can't deal with people leaving, but you guys didn't and for that I am ever grateful and love you. You remind me why I am still here and you know who you are.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)