B. Quinn's top 10 films of 2011

 

The video above is from youtube. 2011: The Cinescape.

And now my top 10 films for 2011:
10) Battle: LA
9) Hanna
8) Xmen: First Class
7) Super 8
6) The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
5) The Son of No One
4) The Muppets
3) Insidious
2) Rise of the Planet of the Apes
1) Drive


Honorable Mentions: Colombiana, Immortals, The Green Hornet, and Priest.

This list is due to change there are a few films recently released I still need to view. 

Lisbeth

Once I read this page, I knew Lisbeth became my hero. Cause I'm the same.

"What do you need me for?"

He's coming.....

my blog has been hacked....this was left behind with a note saying to post it or else. signed xoxo B.B.

people always leave

seems like stop lights don't work for me.

highway

Keeps it moving. Can't sit still. Look out. White dashes merge. Trees all look the same. Other cars speed. Red, black and silver. Drivers smoking. Do they see me? Got cut off. Don’t honks just yell. Flip the bird, keep it moving. Slowing down. Tow truck manages through. Flashing yellow lights. Guess the driver was going too fast. Three cars way past fixing. Ambulance on the way. Cars slow down. Everybody look. Picasso made a piece on the road. Stuck, angry, tragic. No one moves. I look, do they see me? Same thought is on everyone mind. Could have been us. Look at opposite lane. It's all blurry. They are getting to where they need to. Seatbelt is too tight. Radio is on. Penny Lane. White dash white dash white becomes one white line. We're speeding up again. Can we race? No, damn. Are we there yet? No, damn again. Bored. Tree, tree, tree, tree. What state we in? Virginia, damn. Honky Tonk. My stomach growls. Can we stop soon? Maybe. Line becomes dashes. Pay exact toll. Look at the cashier. Look at me. Move my leg. Don't kick my seat. Can't be still.  Close eyes. Hear music. Can we play my CD? No. Driving. Driven nuts. Open eyes. More trees, more white dashes. Truck goes by. Honk your horn. I know I'm not 5 but still do it. Looks over brother playing video games. Let me play. Go get your own. Let me play. No! Scream inside. Look outside gas and food 2 miles. Are we stopping? Why? Just stop. He's hungry too. Ok. This song ain’t bad. Stopped. Got some food. Good for now. Close my eyes. Bump. Bump. Bump. Open my eyes. Are we there yet? No. Flashing yellow lights. Opposite side. Must be their turn. Three cars cross the mind. Look across. Baby in other car. It seems fine. Does it see me? Mad still. Slow. Look another jam. White line becomes dashes. Look outwards. Dead rodent. Poor guy. Wonder if it was alone. Cut off again. No words spoken. Where are we now? Virginia. Still? Damn.

11/11/11 what a wish should be

Today is one of those days where facebook will be bombarded with the idea that 11/11/11 is a magical day. Perhaps its the rapture that has happened twice already according to facebook posts.

In truth its Veterans Day a day where we honor and remember those who fought in wars to protect our freedom and right to live as people who can go on faceboook and post about making wishes.

What were the soldier wishes? watch Vietnam in HD. I caught a bit of it and hearing those stories of the families here at home making real wishes. They wanted their sons, brothers, friends, husbands to come home. The soldiers wishes who wanted to come home, who wanted to just stay alive for one more day. Those who witnessed their fellow brothers die so terribly. Those injured wishing to live through this and make it home and others wishing to die just not to live with the pain of a missing limb or knowing they may not even live through the night. Those are real wishes.

So when the clock strikes at 11:11 today think about what you really wishing for. Its a nice thought to help ya through the day, to have a little fun even, but think about those who fought for us and keep in mind what today really is about. Happy Veterans Day.

"If a man could have half of his wishes, he would double his troubles." - Benjamin Franklin

Commercial Break

This commercial may have just become my most favorite one of the year. Gotta love the music!!!

bang bang

Sometimes you meet someone who helps ya hear the *BANG* you needed to hear. That gunshot, like one heard at the start of a race. That person makes ya wake up and start running and next thing you know your mind opens and focuses on the path ahead. Your legs feel weak your heart starts pumping. You out of breath, sweating and the only thing you want to see is that finish line. But hold on..what about the one who started that feeling, who set ya off running to an unknown point. Do they run with you?

They could...they should..maybe they would...but you run alone.

I'm not saying its a bad or good thing. You just gotta hear that *BANG* and run . You don't need them to run with you, but they appear along the way. Guiding you, cheering you on. They could also be just firing and not following. Not caring. Not even standing by the checkpoint to pass us that cup of water.


I think I heard it. I think I'm running. I'm not looking back, only forward. I don't care whose on the finish line. I just gotta reach my goal, or even a goal. I don't know what I want.

I thank the one who pulled the trigger, who woke me up and made me see I don't want to be trapped anymore.

sounds easy but it isnt.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.
                                                         -Bob Marley

another mindless rant

http://gawker.com/5839947/comment-of-the-day-how-friends-destroyed-the-middle-class
Ok so its a little out of what I'm usually blabbing about. But sometimes there are more interesting things in life besides being emo lol.

I read it cause I was curious and also because I'm constantly on Gawker.com (never heard of it check it out great articles about life and interests).

The economy right now is in a shit hole. Finding a job is almost impossible even if you have the degree to back you up. Renting an apartment now includes giving up your first born child in a ONE year lease. And even going out to a nice place such as a Bronx Zoo and being able to see an actual animal is $30 a person (its an all inclusive pass to see everything, yes they charge to see certain animals smh). And yet from what I recall when I watch T.V. ( I rarely do) everyone has money to do what they want, be who they want, live where they want, etc.

I couldn't stop laughing at the post becuase it has truth in it. I have a silly BA. All I was able to get was a job I was nowhere near qualified for and had to quit due to fear of being sued. I ended up 6 months unemployed not able to find anything in anything. At long last I found a job working at Aldo being in charge of accessory shipments and refilling handbag walls. Not what I imagined when I graduated college. I spent 5months there meanwhile I managed to get into substitute teaching for a day care and as of September I am now an Assistant Teacher for a day care program in Queens.

All this, and my BA is in film. So all this time and can't even get a script right or ready to shoot. And been on set for a few productions (at least I manged to score an imdb page lol). I didnt get out of school thinking I was going to make it big. No of course not, but I felt let down with looking for the stability that would allow me to pursue my art. Thats where things failed because its overlooked on some of these T.V. shows/ movies/ books, etc. What we see are people who get out of school, in fact some are show automatcially making it without going to school and they can do what they please and the reality of what I so far have experienced is ignored.

Now as I say all this I'm speaking on behalf of myself. Maybe for some they have the knack to make it right away. Me with my current sitios have not been so lucky and had to find ways to stay on my feet.


I wont say "Friends" destroyed the middle class I think its more that it stretched out the truth. I dont know much about new shows out (well besides Dexter, SOA, Jersey Shore and GG). So I don't know if the economy is now being played real. But it would be nice to see a drama where its opposite Gossip Girl and instead of focusing on Manhattans elite, why not focus on people living on a small block in Queens where money is tight? Where every episode doesn't include a gala or a ball in fact you get the occasional house party. Lets have the protagonists who've been out of high school for about 6-7 years but still living at home to help pay their parents rent because times are too hard right now to live on their own? You would still have the gossip, the sex, the blackmail, drama, and occasional comedic relief. Come on Chuck Bass could of gone to Newtown and still be the same playboy he is in the Upper East Side except he just chills on Lamont Ave smoking an L. Just switch his suits with a white tee, blue jeans and timbs and you can still have the same story play out. Maybe it's just me, but I think it would work, cause its real.

And I know some of ya are gonna be like Barbi Q. why don't you write this show, and maybe I will. But I have the belief that people wanna see what life can be like not what it really is.

Citizen Erased

Imagine you've gone missing. Who would look for you? Who would notice you been gone? How long would it take to figure it out? How long til the search becomes tedious and the party gives up?

A friend of mine once had a dream that our friends were all together prepping for my mass. I was missing and it seemed to them that I was dead and gone. A few nights before I dreamed i was stabbed and left to die. My final breaths i saw my friends looking but i couldnt scream or cry out to them. My voice was gone.

Now lets get back to missing. Are you dead? Are surviving? What wills you to keep going? Determined to rise from the grave given to you.

Me? Just the idea of attending my own wake. Think about it a room filled with people wearing black, crying, probably a hater or two who can care less about my status. All of them focused, not seeing the small framed figure walking through the door. Mousy reddish brown hair, dirty tanned skin, and ripped disheveled clothes. Black bottomed feet stride slowly through the room as row by row people gasp in fear and surprise. Make it to the front where someone stands.

"Who died?" the figure will say.

"You did" the answer.

Open the casket its empty. Turn around look at everyone. A slight smirk on your face appears. And the rest is just left to imagine. For a moment you were erased, now what to do from there?

Maps

Every time I hear this song, or its mentioned to me I think about the first time I heard it years ago. I saw the video on MTV, and didn't think much of it until one day I really heard it. Im talking about I looked up lyrics and everything and just had to know this song inside and out. I had it completly known, every word, and sound. The song became a part of me. When it was released on rock band it officially became my jam. I love how people tell me they hear that song and it reminds them of me. I feel like it works. Yea...its my song.


"Made off..don't stray....my kind is your kind...I'll stay the same..."



This post is dedicated to my "nephew" Jonathan...who always reminds me how amazing this song is. <3

it rises as the sun

She watches the sun come up...thinking of the person she is. Spent most of the day drinking yet felt no affect. No tiredness or fatigue. Watching those around her as they war with each other. Tension building as she only stares no words out of her mouth. She thinks of what she's holding down...for what cause? Is it the cure for her loneliness? Or desperation to have the extended family she wished she had? Stupidity is the word in her mind but she also is one who knows too much for her own good. One who was taught lessons she did not ask for and now feels a weight on her shoulders that she wishes she can throw off. But then what is she left with? Its all she knows and like a glass shattering on the floor she runs chasing a victim to release frustration on. Snapping, swinging nothing makes sense. She knows what the consequence will be if she let's it all go. To face a side of her hidden inside ready to rise as the sun in the morning sky.

Sacrifices

Last night on Gossip Girl I once again witnessed Chuck Bass give up his happiness for Blair. Once again becua in seaosn2 he did the same....
Chuck lets Blair go


So i guess it teaches that we have to make sacrifices for others to be happy even at the sake of our own. If its meant to be it'll come back, if not then something else will come along.

Phase 1

I can write the greatest thing ever written but it wouldn't matter. Cause at the end of the day it was only important to me and no one else....does that still mean it matters? Cause its important to me.

Emo? No..maybe its truth.

People will confront you with pitiful matters only to make you feel bad for decisions you have made in your past. But what's past is prologue and if you are aware of it why be upset? The decision was made by you and only you.

Be weary of what of you do but when you stand for something or make a decision on something know what it is and allow it to happen. Don't let others question you cause if you begin to question yourself does it remain truth or become a lie?

Lying is an easy way out. No one likes facing the truth.

So think of it as a challenge. Think of past decisions. Do you regret any? Think about why you regret it, could be someone put that seed in your mind. Cause when it happened you sure as hell went along with it for a reason.

Fate? perhaps...but that's for a different post.

In the end its true what Lucille Ball said "I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."  So on that note..just live your life to the fullest. I know I am. I got a plan set in motion, its only phase one baby and its only gon get better from here. 

a word from our sponsers

its been a while. my bad. things are just not where i want them to be so just think of this as a commerical break.

Monster

This video obviously has been out for a minute. If you haven't seen it you missing out. I don't know why but it makes me smile.

Imagine

Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you? -Peyton

letter

To Whom it May Concern:

In fact let me rephrase that...my life is not of your concern. In fact this message is to clarify that what I do or have done is not your problem. So whatever "exposure" or issue that I have done in my life is MY problem. Its not a topic to discuss or a matter to bring up. And if you choose to bring it up do me a favor and clarify what it was that I did that gave you a need to talk. I say that because bringing up a topic and just saying never mind makes you a coward...point blank. Another thing if you have a complaint and wanna take it up with me, do it to my face. Cause at the end of the day one of those people you have shared with will have balls and approach me making it clear that there are still real people in this world, and that what goes around comes around. So long story short, wanna talk out of your ass bet go ahead, but remember walls have ears and it will get to me and take note there are people who have tried to take me down....do me a solid go look for them now.

I live my life for me, and do what I can to enjoy it. If that bothers you then you need to see whats up in your life and work on that.

Thank you

-B. Sawyer

My Terms

One night I had a dream, that my eye bracelet fell to pieces.  Tried to put it back together but couldn't.
Woke up scared and unsure.
That's when it started.
My bracelet is still whole but I've been sick since.

(meaning: To see a broken bracelet in your dream, suggests that you tend to sacrifice your own comfort and happiness for others.)

That day I found an old photo of who I use to be. 

All I wanted was one nice photo..and he wanted to make a gesture. ::SNAP:: the pic was taken with me trying to stop him. People said it summed us up and it was cute. I actually didn't like it much but kept it anyways. 


By the time the last pic of us was taken all that could be seen was contempt in my eyes and distance in his.



The person in the pic with me was once an everyday habit, now its just a far away memory.
Tears came to my eyes, cause an ounce felt like I missed it, then I said no more tears and put the picture back where I found it. 



Moving on was probably the smartest thing I could of ever done. For the first time I made a decision on my own terms, without putting someone else before me. Without thinking if that person is happy or not. Making sure I was taken cared of first....and it felt great.


Does that make me selfish? Or do I get a pass cause I was so selfless. Allowing myself to wait at train stations for an hour on cold winter nights making excuses for him, or having him leave me behind and say its ok I took too long anyways. Just thinking about it makes me sick. 


Back to the dream, maybe that's what it was for to remind me of who I was, and still is but now I'm just running things on my terms.

Fascination Street

"But if you open your mouth
Then I can't be responsible
For quite what goes in
Or to care what comes out"- Facsination Street by The Cure

listen to the song here.


So I heard through the grapevine on the corner of Fascination Street. The talks of so and so with you know doing you know what in a room at this girls party. The sounds of whispers lurking through shadows.

Walk to the store make sure you look over your shoulders,make sure you make it there cause one wrong turn you get accused of some sort of mischief.

Bathroom walls filled with the talks of everyone, the safest place one can go to share their mind and thinks its gon be flushed away. But don't abuse it cause one too many times the wrong ear catches it and you become headline news. Or the victim of a slap to the face for sharing your mind.

On Fascination Street its cared by over weight women on beach chairs sippin on juice talking of nonsense of not only their own but of an island they left behind. The blabbers of fights and scandals of who's having who's baby. They never get up unless the bochinche is worth it, cause once a good story unfolds in front of them you would think their asses was covered in butter to help em get out of them chairs so quickly.
 
Simple put on fascination street you nobody til you talked about. No one is safe...cause if you talk lord knows theirs talk about you.


::i have a feeling ima return to this soon but for now comments appreciated::

Bed

bed you complete me.
bed you are all i need.

For when I'm happy and can jump on you.
For when I'm sad I can shed my tears on you.
For when I'm angry you give me pillows to hit.
And for those cold nights you allow me to wrap myself in your sheets.

oh bed the comfort you provide, I must admit its true.

Bed I'm in love with you.

Charlie Sheen

And I wonder where the world would be if all men claimed they had tiger's blood and Adonis DNA in their systems? ::cringe::

So I watched the infamous interview, and wow I'm not surprised. I am going to give him credit because he gives out no names. Now a days its hard to find anyone who can keep their damn mouth shut. I honestly hope he lives on to old age, cause everyone is expecting his death soon so lets give the world a shocker and reach 90.

Not much to say today, I've been trying to process my thoughts since the other day. I received a package in the mail and inside was my stolen credit cards, my id card and pictures that were in my wallet. Some say I'm lucky, but I find it strange. Here I was sitting my room staring at these cards not sure what to think. My mother believes they dumped it or just left it at a post office to be sent back. But what if its a sign of something to come? Like an omen. And I'm not going to say its bad it can be good too, but right now its left me wondering why that night had to happen. It started off a mess and leaving me curiouser and curiouser on what is going to happen to me.

My thoughts then drift off on another subject but those are ones not to be shared.

Good Bye February

A month of only 28 days. But damn I feel like so much happened. Now that March is right there I hope it brings Spring time. I also hope I hear from a job.

Today I was cleaning my living room. I had to clean my moms Saint statue. For some reason I wiped clean her face and then stared at it. I have never touched her face before, mostly out of fear or being yelled at by my mother. But I was home alone and gently touched her face as if she would respond. In my mind I could picture her coming to life and it scared me. I use to have those thoughts as a kid, but it has been a while. For a brief moment I forgot I had my music on and all my thoughts was on her. I began to think of my existence and wonder if she does hold a piece of why I'm still here.

My name defined means "foreign or strange" with the same root as Barbarian. The Greeks used it as a way to identify those who were not natives. Saint wise though Saint Barbara was a martyr. Killed by her father because she didnt believe the same as him. After beheading her, legend has it lighting struck him and killed him. Afterwards she became the patron saint of artillerymen and anyone who works with explosives. Her spirit is made present by thunder and lightning. It is said she protects those from the dangers of sudden and violent death. She also connects to Chango, her male Orisha form, whose patronage is the same.

I don't know why this came to me, or why I thought about it. But lately my beliefs feel challenged. Maybe I just needed her to look at me and remind me I'm not alone. That no matter what I have someone or something backing me up.  And for that tonight I'm going to pray.

Its March already.

Oscar Night

Its Oscar night. A night I hope to be a part of one day. And some say its just a dream, and I shouldn't think that high.

Now imagine if I was nominated? and win. I can only imagine the screams that would be heard in New York. Hell I'd have a live camera stream at some exclusive Oscar party for my friends, where they can all chill and watch.  I probably mess up on my acceptance speech out of the shock from winning, and most likely cry.

And if I didn't win, it would still be ok. Cause a nomination still means someone out there liked and felt what I was trying to do. And as long as the message of my work is out and delivered that's what matters to me. And I know my peoples would still be proud.

Yea its may only be a dream.....but its my dream.

what i feel.

its something like this


and i blame myself for being alone


click above.....thats what I feel right now. I want to cry but like always no shouder to lean on. Nobody to tell me things are gon be ok or hear me out. Then I think that maybe I'm to blame that no one is around.

Someone one said they were glad that something bad happened to me that I deserved it. Did I really?

I never wish anything bad on anyone, I forgive and move on cause its life lesson. Even with the temper and attitude I have sometimes, I have no hate in my heart. Even for those who have wronged me in the past. I just forgve and forget who they were and never think of them again cause they did what they had to do in my life.

And even if I make a mistake I can admit it was a mistake and move on. Its human to have flaws no one is perfect. People just like to remind me of every flaw I have though like its fun for them.

I just want to be happy, and I am deep down inside but I know that if I let it out someone is going to come to take it away from me, just like everything else.

Yea I'm feeling kinda sad today. And this rain just isn't helping.

i guess what I'm asking for is this...so simple..

Small World

You know its a small world when the detetecive who was working on my case happens to be from my neighborhood and happens to know the same people my mom use to chill with back in the day (no they not friends or close or even know each other. They have mutual friends). Its these types of coincidences that help break the ice and made it easier for me to speak to him. Also he was in sweats and a tee. He apologized for how he was dressed but I told him honestly the suit would of made me nervous and right now he looked like a regular person that I can feel comfortable speaking with. He continued to apologize but I was cool with it.

Connections between people, strangers or not is always interesting. C.W. Lewis once said "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

People have a habit of thinking that they are the only ones at anything. The only one struggling, or trying to get by. But the truth is everyone has problems, we all just view them differently. Now I don't wanna preach something that's been said over and over, but no matter how many times a person can hear it you be surprised how quick they forget it. So every now and then the reminder is needed. Now that I think about it, I'm reminding myself. 

Anyways...just for the record the case is closed. And if justice is ever served, I believe Judge Karma can handle that. As for me now I'm just going to keep on looking for work and just try to figure out what my next move is. 

last week

I don't wanna say I'm frustrated or complain or feel like I'm jynxed. But there are things that have been going on that get me thinking either in my past life I was a shitty person or I honestly have bad luck.

Last week my bag was stolen. Inside it had my essentials. Wallet with cards and pics of those dear to me, my house keys, and my prized ipod (the one thing that keeps me sane). Luckily I had my phone on me. No I didn't see what happened but I have my suspicions and usually I'm right about things.

Now I reacted in a way that some say was too much but others say fair. I terrorized downtown Manhattan by acting in a manner that was brought out by a build up of so much I've been dealing with. Since I quit my job and decided to chase my dreams things haven't been easy at home. My parents feel that I have been wasting my time and have said things that genuinely hurt. I have been looking for work but apparently having a degree only gets you ignored. Its frustrating going to an interview (last week) and figure that its a scam and left once again wondering who's gon call next.

My anxiety also doesn't help.

This build up just exploded when my bag was gone. The little I had taken, and even my id. Some son of a bitch has a piece of me with them and I feel vulnerable. My accounts are frozen until my new cards arrive and my house locks changed.

My life feels like its been paused. Silenced even.

Even with all this though I gotta be glad for the friends who have been with me most of the weekend. To know people have your back is something I can't put into words but it felt good and I guess its what's giving me the strength to not give up.

My only goal now is to get my life back together and be able to walk away from this with a lesson learned.

Assignment

Please Don't Take my Air Jordans. -Reg. E. Gaines

Thats the link to the original piece. Maybe im stuck on this but like i said its what got me started. And for some reason it seems right to share. I haven't seen this since high school.

No title I wrote only Poem Assignment (written in 2003)

I was playing some ball
The day of my fall
I was rocking new kicks
While impressing the chicks

They were bright ass white
With a tint of red
18's they call them
The price wasn't bad

It was a quarter past two
when this guy dressed in blue
Started giving me the eye
and followed close behind

I made a sprint toward Houston
When he pulled out a gun
"Gimme them Jordans!"
I heard while I started to run

Next was a "pow" and I fell on the floor
He took off my kicks
And looked at me quick

He left me crying,
not cause I was dying
But cause he took my new kicks
And now I feel like a dick

Now here I am dead
Covered in red
Hope the bastard treats my kicks right
When he goes out tonight.

When it began..

For me things become clear once I begin to write. It started when I had an assignment to write my own version of a poem we read in class. I was still Barbara. It was a simple assignment in which I decided to give life to the victim in the poem. His story in that one verse was wild with vivid reds of blood and kicks. His ego torn becuase he wants his killer to keep his Jordans fresh as he dies on the sidewalk. To me it was nothing, but it brought my teacher to tears. She told me I gave someone without a voice a chance to "sing". To me I felt I was being lazy not trying to think so hard of my own poem so I borrowed from the one in class and here I was sitting in class being told what I did was genious.

Not going to lie it felt good to be praised.

After that she told me I should practice more on poetry and free verse. I told her that I really couldnt, that my assignment was a cheat. But she continued and said those that speak a lot usually need someone to listen but sometimes that someone isnt there. So use the pen and paper to my advantage and let it flow. It doesnt even have to make sense. Thats the beauty of writing...the rewrite.

She also told me to take notice art is always borrowing from others. That was before I cared about being an artist in my field or actually taking a look at things. 

I have been writing since, I have notebooks filled with random ramblings and thoughts. Stories and poems that reflect what I hope to one day place on the screen.

In this digital age its time I bring it to some attention. I dont know if anyone is actually going to read this, or read this and care. But this is for me to establish where Barbara has gone, and why Barbi is the persona people love.

I'm not schizo or bi-polar...just trying to find me in a world filled with broken promises and maybes. Limbo like Inception.