So here we go another blog entry on a another pop culture gem. Today I focus on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Its been 18 years since the show first aired, and it's considered one of the greatest shows of the 90's. Those that know me well, know how much I love this show. First lets be honest growing up there wasn't many strong female characters on TV. I watched superhero shows, and read comic books. Batman was my hero but I still wanted a female hero that I could look up to, so at 10 years old seeing a teenage girl (played by Sarah Michelle Gellar) kicking butt and still trying to maintain a normal life my attention was caught. The only issue, I was 10 and living in a strict household, my mom was afraid of what I was watching so she told me I couldn't watch it. Really mom? Well eventually I found ways to watch and she gave up and soon it became part of my weekly routine to see what adventure Buffy and the Scoobies were on. My inner romantic went nuts in the forbidden romance of Buffy and Angel (Not gonna lie I'm caught between the whole Buffy/Angel Buffy/Spike debate, but thats a whole different conversation), and finally felt that there was someone on TV I can relate to. It wasn't any of that Dawson's Creek nonsense it was Buffy. The violence, the teen angst and the thought that the apocalypse was coming was all I needed as I entered my preteen years.
Lets be very honest right now I was a strange child growing up. I always felt weird and different around people. I know my upbringing played a part in that. I was the tomboy who wore boys clothing, shy of my own image, played sports and rarely brushed my hair. While most girls would sit on top of cars and talk about boys, or making fun of me, I was out playing games of manhunt, getting dirty and learning to defend myself. I knew the struggle of arguing with parents who didn't understand me, or want to hear me out. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, and my comfort that things were going to be alright was in Buffy.
Buffy Summers was not the average teen, she had a destiny, she had to fight and save the world, all while maintaining the normalcy that was expected of her, and no matter how hard she tried to "fit in" it backfired. I'm not saying I was out there slaying vampires, nah chills, but I always tried to be one with the crowd, be accepted and instead I stuck out like a sore thumb, and yea I hated that feeling. Buffy helped show me that it was ok not to fit in. Things were going to be ok, that there were friends waiting for me that were gonna love me for who I am, and that I was going to be ready to face everything that comes my way, no matter how difficult it is.
And I can't lie every day I put up the fight, I struggle with my issues, I work hard, try to maintain, I have some crazy ass awesome friends who have my back and yea while I'm not technically saving the world I'm kicking ass! And I guess I have to thank Buffy, well more importantly Joss Whedon for creating a character that I needed while growing up. Cause I'm cookie dough, and one day I'll realize I'm cookies.
“Writers, especially poets, are particularly prone to madness. There exists a striking association between creativity and manic depression. Why are more creative people prone to madness? They have more than average amounts of energies and abilities to see things in a fresh and original way—then because they also have depression, I think they’re more in touch with human suffering.” -Nick Flynn
A few months ago I found an old book from my undergrad days. "Another Bullshit Night in Suck City" by Nick Flynn. At 18, a title like that obviously caught my eye, but unfortunately my attention span only lasted to the chapter I was mandated to read by my professor. It took me almost 10 years to come back to it and maybe thats how it was supposed to be. I don't think 18 year old me would of appreciated it as much, as I do now as an adult. 18 year old me didn't care about much unless it involved going out and sitting outside doing nothing. And now tonight I managed to find a copy of the movie version "Being Flynn", starring Robert DeNiro and Paul Dano (I didn't know there was a movie til way after I finished reading it).
For those unfamiliar with the story, it's the memoirs of the author, reflecting back to his childhood being raised by a single mom and her many boyfriends, to finding himself working in a homeless shelter in Boston where he encounters the one ghost he can never seem to get rid of, his father.
Jonathan Flynn on his own is a character to remember, along the lines of Willy Loman, a man lost within his own ego. He is a man, a husband, a father, a thief, a conman, and most importantly because he will remind you, the next great American novelist.
Now I'm not writing this to give you a review or tell you the story, for that just read the book yourself or for those who want is quicker just watch the movie (HBO go). I'm writing this because when I read the book I felt like I knew Nick, because I could relate with him. Lost, unsure, insecure and wondering about those around me, going back and forth with ideas, working odd jobs until finally I had my break down and picked myself up again. That it's true you can't choose blood relations, and we in the end become a slight reflection of our parents like it or not. How self hatred is very real and the way you deal with it is reflected consequences of your actions. By the time I put this book down I saw the world differently, I felt a dry emotion and all I could think was I need to finish something. I don't want to end up spending a lifetime talking about ideas and never completing any of them.
Jonathan Flynn (in the film, can't remember if it's in book) says "Life is gathering material", that is so fucking true. How many moments do we share with people we know and don't know? What about the stories of times before us, the ones that led to our own existences? Those are the stories that make us interesting and unique. It's easy to think our lives are meaningless and boring, and you know what sometimes they are. It's the cold honest truth. Anyone who can say their life is perfect or that I am wrong is lying right to your damn face. But that boringness, that insignificance you feel has character, its the material that pushes some of us to create, or work, or do things. Happiness can do that too. Emotions are raw, you just have to know how to cook them.
life is gathering material....
I'm glad that I found this book, it came to me at the perfect time. It was a downer to read at times, but it reminded me of the human spirit and the story it has to tell.
So with this, I go back to working on the story I want to share with you all...
Back in 2011, I didn't think this blog would last. I have enjoyed sharing my thoughts with whomever has taken the time to read them. As of today I will be saying good bye to "Barbi on Barbara" for a temporary hiatus. I have decided to take on a new project and is working on publishing some of my work. I have other personal matters to tend to as well, and need to work on being able to focus my attention on them. Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from something we care about to see what else is there to explore. This blog has been a salvation for me. I love to write and love to share my works, and this blog has allowed me come clean with some of my random thoughts. When I first started I mentioned the goal has been "for me to establish where Barbara has gone, and why Barbi is the persona people love". That is still my main endgame and with my newest project I hope it will guide me on the path I've been walking on to achieve finding an inner peace within myself.
While I doubt this blog will be missed, it is still an essential part of my upcomings as a writer and once I feel ready I will return, hopefully with a published collection for you to enjoy.
So goodbye...for now. I wish you all a happy and safe holiday.
What am I thinking?
That young men and women aren't safe out there.
The system that is meant to protect us is failing, and ya can't blame individuals this time.
The same system that trains the good guys, trains the bad ones too.
The same system that makes students focus on taking exams and writing papers over learning what really matters.
The same system that picks who judges the wrong doers.
Who trains them? Enlightens them?
Building relationships with the community is a challenge, but no one is willing to accept it.
So we keep going on day by day, while a son is shot, and a daughter held up in the street.
We do it to ourselves, giving the ok for them to do it to us.
It's time we open our eyes, and see what isn't working anymore.
Peace don't happen overnight, and prayers can only give us a false hope.
It's time we stand together and show that we are more then just statistics and figures.
More than just a background.
We are the people, the people this country was made for, always evolving but not doing anything about it.
Today Disney's version of The Little Mermaid turned 25. In 1989, I was 2 years old, and according to my mother it was the first movie I saw at the movie theater. While I don't remember much about that experience, I do remember it being the first story I loved and feared (Ursula can be scary to a young child). From the music to its characters (minus Ursula, like seriously I'd run out of the room every time her scene came up), I fell for the story of the mermaid who wanted to go to the human world. I wanted to be Ariel. Compared to some of the latest princess movies out these days, I think Ariel still reigns as top of her class.
Now before everyone goes all ape shit on me and say "well she gave up her life for a prince", lets recap real quick. Since the minute we meet her, she is already curious and exploring items that fall from the world above. She has already established that she wants to know more about what is out there, and the idea of becoming human doesn't occur really until she meets Ursula (cringe). Besides, her father destroying all of her human things, Prince Eric is just the push she needs to go out and explore the world she desires to know more about. Yes, she gave up her voice, but what's life without giving up things or making trades along the way. She got the motivation she needed to explore, and you can't lie to me and say the scene of her in town isn't the sweetest thing ever. In fact I wish they spent more time on that, her curiosity in the things she has questioned about is so genuine in this scene, which is only 1minute long!! That's right in only 1 minute we get a look at her finally exploring the world above, and I think that's one of the flaws the movie has. Yes she has to convince the prince to kiss her, and "Kiss the Girl" will always be one of my favorite songs, but I wish that more was shown of her silently getting the answers she wanted. I'd like to think Disney made up for this though with the town scene in Tangled, to me I see it as a tribute of sorts.
(look at the face, Prince Eric who?? its all about this weird small man with a stick)
Anyways enough of me ranting on the film, I want to take the time to look at the original story, by Hans Christian Anderson, whom I recommend if you have a chance look the guy up, he was a sad guy but interesting, then again so were a lot of these children story writers.
(Please note if you do not know the original story please stop here there are spoilers, because I'm nice here's a link The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson for those curious).
In 1992 (because it was written inside by my mom), I was given this book as a gift by one of my neighbors who use to watch over me as a child. Now for those who know the original story, one might think "well this story is a little strong for a child, no?". Maybe I was a weird child, but it was one of my favorite books (even more impressive its a coloring book, and yet I never colored it, wanting to protect it, so yes I was a weird child). This story became one of my favorites, and yes I questioned why her name wasn't Ariel, and where was Flounder? And the most important question, why does she die?
Yes, our heroine, the brave nameless little mermaid, chooses to end her life instead of killing the prince. "SAY WHAT?" The mermaid spends her early life listening to stories told to her about the surface, while her curiosity is not as intense as Ariel's, she finally is given permission to go, and at that moment she sees and saves the prince from drowning and falls in love. Her feelings lead her to ask about humans, and she is told humans are not mortal, but when they die they shall have an eternal soul, something mermaids don't have. Its that, not the prince that causes her to bargain with the sea witch. She doesn't go above for love as her only reason, her drive comes from wanting to know what it means to have a soul. And as I got older and understood that concept, I realized why I love this story so much. Her sacrifice at the end, while seen a tragedy, is still a happy ending for her. She gains what she wanted the most, she felt love, and that love allowed her unable to kill the prince. Her "good deed", if you want to call it that, is recognized and as she turns to foam she feels herself floating into air, beginning her real journey of gaining an immortal soul.
I honestly can go on and on about this, but I think the point I wanted to make is that, at 25 Disney's Little Mermaid did the best it could with such a tragic story. It's easy to look and state the obvious, that she was a princess looking for a prince, but there's just something deeper than that. Ariel and the mermaid wanted to know about things forbidden to them, may it be exploring the human world, or gaining a soul. Truth is both got what they wanted, and they did it their way.
And now I end this very long piece with my favorite scene Kiss the Girl.
"I realized that in my downward spiral of hopelessness I was actually falling into a huge hole created by my absence of basic human graces. The most obvious was forgiveness. If I was wronged by anyone, in or out of the club, I had to be compensated by money or blood. There was no turning the other cheek. When relationships become a ledger of profit and loss, you have no friends, no loved ones, just pluses and minuses. You are absolutely alone."-John Teller
To me a dream is your innermost thoughts, a collection of memories and fantasies. Dreams can give you an insight to a parallel universe where you can see images from places or of people who seem familiar to you, but maybe you have never seen or met them before. It maps out the universe, and you can witness a moment where you are watching yourself. Dreams can be foreshadowing what is to come, or remind you of what has happened. What always gets me about dreams, is how sometimes they are so quick to forget. I can have the most exotic, wild, adventurous dream and my subconscious won't allow me to remember when I open my eyes.
