Dreams of needles penetrating my skin.
Blood leaks out,
signs of a demon's kin.
I didn;t ask for this torture,
but at times it feels like pleasure.
To feel the wince,
my eyes shut tight.
Why do I not put up a fight?
Could it be I have accepted this fate?
To live these years with my self hate.
-2014
April 6, 2014
February 26, 2014
Tonight You're Mine
Last night was one of those nights where I caught myself feeling down and just plain bored. Sure I was exhausted, who wouldn't be especially after spending all day at work, followed by school, where without a red bull by my side I definitely took a 10 min power nap during presentations. It also didn't help we in a new room now with no windows!!! I feel like its a crime to be in the middle of a beautiful city and have no view of it.
ANYWAYS before I lose my thought...
So yea, I found myself home and I thought about getting into my project but then I was like what the fuck? I have a netflix account and I rarely use it, so I decided to go through it. Surprisingly they have taken away a lot of movies I wish I took the time to see, but glad they added a bunch of classics from my film school days that would make for interesting movie nights (I mean I would love to see my friends reaction to Birth of a Nation, even if we only watch like 30min of it). Now I don't know why (Wait i do because face it I can be a big sap -.-") but I found myself in the romance section and came across a flick called Tonight You're Mine.
I remember seeing the trailer a few years ago so I was like why not?
The premise is simple it takes place at T in the Park, a music festival in Scotland. Two bands bump into each other as they get to the festival only for their respected leads to get into a minor altercation where they end up handcuffed to each other. Can you imagine getting into an argument with someone and ending up being attached to them without the key? 80 minutes are dedicated to watching how these 2 interact not only with each other, but with their significant others, band mates and of course the star of the show the festival itself.
Why is the festival the star?
I always say this, music can bring anything together. It has that type of power. I believe its the music and background that save this movie and what made me enjoy it. It's the idea of being at a place where everyone who is there with you is there for the same reason, to get lost in a world of music and clarity. There are scenes where some of the characters each face a moment of clarity, and even if they don't say it, you know it by their actions. And that's where I realized, sure the dialogue could have been bit cleaner, but you don't really need to hear them speak. You know what they are thinking by how they look and move with one another. These 2 are handcuffed to each other and have to figure out a way to get along and use the music to guide them to where they realize its love. And I'm not talking about falling in love with each other, I'm talking about falling in love with music. And that's where the connection is made. That's what saved this movie and that's what made me enjoy it.
I've added to my bucket list to make it to Scotland one day for this festival. In fact I was just saying the other day I need to go see a live show, because nothing heals my soul like being in a room hearing and feeling the music, and making those connections with people.
Tonight You're Mine (known in Europe as You Instead) you got 4 stars on netflix from me, cause you definitely claimed me last night.
click here to see the trailer on youtube
ANYWAYS before I lose my thought...
So yea, I found myself home and I thought about getting into my project but then I was like what the fuck? I have a netflix account and I rarely use it, so I decided to go through it. Surprisingly they have taken away a lot of movies I wish I took the time to see, but glad they added a bunch of classics from my film school days that would make for interesting movie nights (I mean I would love to see my friends reaction to Birth of a Nation, even if we only watch like 30min of it). Now I don't know why (Wait i do because face it I can be a big sap -.-") but I found myself in the romance section and came across a flick called Tonight You're Mine.
I remember seeing the trailer a few years ago so I was like why not?
The premise is simple it takes place at T in the Park, a music festival in Scotland. Two bands bump into each other as they get to the festival only for their respected leads to get into a minor altercation where they end up handcuffed to each other. Can you imagine getting into an argument with someone and ending up being attached to them without the key? 80 minutes are dedicated to watching how these 2 interact not only with each other, but with their significant others, band mates and of course the star of the show the festival itself.
Why is the festival the star?
I always say this, music can bring anything together. It has that type of power. I believe its the music and background that save this movie and what made me enjoy it. It's the idea of being at a place where everyone who is there with you is there for the same reason, to get lost in a world of music and clarity. There are scenes where some of the characters each face a moment of clarity, and even if they don't say it, you know it by their actions. And that's where I realized, sure the dialogue could have been bit cleaner, but you don't really need to hear them speak. You know what they are thinking by how they look and move with one another. These 2 are handcuffed to each other and have to figure out a way to get along and use the music to guide them to where they realize its love. And I'm not talking about falling in love with each other, I'm talking about falling in love with music. And that's where the connection is made. That's what saved this movie and that's what made me enjoy it.
I've added to my bucket list to make it to Scotland one day for this festival. In fact I was just saying the other day I need to go see a live show, because nothing heals my soul like being in a room hearing and feeling the music, and making those connections with people.
Tonight You're Mine (known in Europe as You Instead) you got 4 stars on netflix from me, cause you definitely claimed me last night.
click here to see the trailer on youtube
February 6, 2014
"Fading Listening" - Shiny Toy Guns
Click here to hear the song on youtube
"Fading Listening"
I just love the way this song makes me feel...definitely my number 1 on this album.
"Fading Listening"
[BOY:]
I can’t stop them from leavin’
I can’t stop them from believin’
And I can’t stop you from leavin’
I can’t stop you from believin’
[GIRL:]
I know I have a way
Of fading when I’m listening
Don’t you know I feel you
And I freak out
And I freak out
[BOY:]
I’d lie if you say so
Come and you go
And you go-go
Come and you go
And you go-go
Come and you go
[GIRL:]
I’m all about the way
Of fading when I’m listening
Close enough to feel you
Don’t slow down
Don’t slow down
[BOY:]
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop… wait
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…
To believe it
I can’t stop them from leavin’
I can’t stop them from believin’
And I can’t stop you from leavin’
I can’t stop you from believin’
[GIRL:]
I know I have a way
Of fading when I’m listening
Don’t you know I feel you
And I freak out
And I freak out
[BOY:]
I’d lie if you say so
Come and you go
And you go-go
Come and you go
And you go-go
Come and you go
[GIRL:]
I’m all about the way
Of fading when I’m listening
Close enough to feel you
Don’t slow down
Don’t slow down
[BOY:]
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop… wait
To believe it
Can’t stop…wait…
I can’t stop…wait…
To believe it
Can’t stop…
To believe it
I just love the way this song makes me feel...definitely my number 1 on this album.
January 26, 2014
untitled from the vault
It happened so fast...or to her it was, her intoxicated mind couldn't tell the difference. Bianca stared at her older brother..ignoring everything he was saying. His words meaning nothing...they didn't matter to her anymore..nothing did. She did all she could to keep it together but he kept on. She looked to her left at Willie passed out on the bed....he was beyond drunk. He told her he was sorry, then threw up on himself.
She was confused.
Listening to Carlos talking, made her sick. She stared at the room...random pictures on the wall....she didn't even know whose house she was in, just another random house party that shes dragged to. The music from the living room echoed in...she broke a sweat....the walls closing in. The music kept pumping...going to the beat of her heart...it kept getting louder and louder...she felt it pulse through her...she closed her eyes...and the voices were gone..she felt calm...she let the music just enter her...its push through her mind...and then SNAP!
...the music stopped...
Groans heard from outside. She tightened her grip on her hoody sleeves...her brother still speaking to her right....Willie smelling like crap to her left....and she stood up.
"Bianca?"...looking only at the door.."Where you going?I'm not done"...ignoring his words..she walked out of the room.
Leaning against the wall she stared at the crowd...the music back on...this time she didn't feel it. She didn't feel anything. Even as she pushed through the crowd she didn't feel them push back into her...a drink spilling on her..she just kept walking..reaching the door...they opened it at the same time.
Marcus stood there staring at her. "You ok?" he asked....
"Leave me alone.."
She pushed him aside and ran out..down the stairs and out the door. It was drizzilin. She felt a grab on her hoody and turned around....it was him..and all she could do was swing at him. Dodging it he tried to grab her hands..using her weight she pushed him against the wall...freeing her hands she swung over and over...managing to get one hit before he picked her up..and swung her around so she was against the wall. Crying out in pain..Bianca couldn't hold it in anymore and cried. Feeling Marcus letting her go...she dropped down to her knees. She stayed there and just cried..leaving him there to hold her..as the rain fell on them.
-written either 2006-2007
She was confused.
Listening to Carlos talking, made her sick. She stared at the room...random pictures on the wall....she didn't even know whose house she was in, just another random house party that shes dragged to. The music from the living room echoed in...she broke a sweat....the walls closing in. The music kept pumping...going to the beat of her heart...it kept getting louder and louder...she felt it pulse through her...she closed her eyes...and the voices were gone..she felt calm...she let the music just enter her...its push through her mind...and then SNAP!
...the music stopped...
Groans heard from outside. She tightened her grip on her hoody sleeves...her brother still speaking to her right....Willie smelling like crap to her left....and she stood up.
"Bianca?"...looking only at the door.."Where you going?I'm not done"...ignoring his words..she walked out of the room.
Leaning against the wall she stared at the crowd...the music back on...this time she didn't feel it. She didn't feel anything. Even as she pushed through the crowd she didn't feel them push back into her...a drink spilling on her..she just kept walking..reaching the door...they opened it at the same time.
Marcus stood there staring at her. "You ok?" he asked....
"Leave me alone.."
She pushed him aside and ran out..down the stairs and out the door. It was drizzilin. She felt a grab on her hoody and turned around....it was him..and all she could do was swing at him. Dodging it he tried to grab her hands..using her weight she pushed him against the wall...freeing her hands she swung over and over...managing to get one hit before he picked her up..and swung her around so she was against the wall. Crying out in pain..Bianca couldn't hold it in anymore and cried. Feeling Marcus letting her go...she dropped down to her knees. She stayed there and just cried..leaving him there to hold her..as the rain fell on them.
-written either 2006-2007
January 25, 2014
Argent ~ Hold Your Head Up (1972)
There's that moment where I found myself today stepping out of the shower,
lost in thought and all of sudden a song I've never heard before comes
on, and in that one moment it tells me everything I need to hear.
January 12, 2014
December 31, 2013
New Year...Same Bull
2013
10....
If i learned anything this year its that getting close to people only leaves more confusion and pain. Theres a thrill of getting to know someone and being able to build a connection but it ends the same...they leave and you back on your own feeling sad. You decide to make positive changes to your life but that feeling is still there.
9.....
The sadness leads to thoughts of what do you really have to offer? A pretty face and a laugh dont make anyone want to stay. Then you realize your own body has been failing you and you sit a doctors office tubes of your blood telling them nothing except to just wait and see.
8.....
People will always have expectations from you, how you meet them is on you. There was always a plan and then you get a result that tells you everything you needed to know. Whoever you grew up to become isn't allowed to happen again.
7....
You can train a wild animal and domesticate it but its always going to have its wild instincts come out.
6.....
A great opportunity presented itself and it helped you grow. You finally feel a connection to civilization and a sense of normalcy where people don't want to hurt you. But you realize you know one day you're going to hurt them, because that wild animal is deep inside of you.
5....
You know one day you're going to have to share the bad news with someone who wants to get close to you, but if you can't even tell your own family how can you tell anyone else? You decide to hold it in and make a tough decsion.
4....
You begin to start making changes and its seen by others. You're told compliments and for once feel like a part of something.
3.....
You feel happy, and the sadness that plagued you is gone and for the first time theres a chance where you can share your big secret.
2....
In that moment a weight is lifted off as you hug those that have taken you in despite your flaws and you can just cry out that fear away. All the anger is gone and you now have things to be proud of.
1.....
I guess 2013 wasn't that bad, but there's still so much left to go before I can say I'm ready to be around people. Being let down by someone whom you thought you can count on is difficult to come to terms with, but in losing one person I gained a few more who have shown me they are willing to stay. Hopefully one day I'll have to courage to share with my family the truth but for now I have my friends and I'm doing really well.
2014...you're just another year to me but I can look at you and smile and say this time Ima be ok.
10....
If i learned anything this year its that getting close to people only leaves more confusion and pain. Theres a thrill of getting to know someone and being able to build a connection but it ends the same...they leave and you back on your own feeling sad. You decide to make positive changes to your life but that feeling is still there.
9.....
The sadness leads to thoughts of what do you really have to offer? A pretty face and a laugh dont make anyone want to stay. Then you realize your own body has been failing you and you sit a doctors office tubes of your blood telling them nothing except to just wait and see.
8.....
People will always have expectations from you, how you meet them is on you. There was always a plan and then you get a result that tells you everything you needed to know. Whoever you grew up to become isn't allowed to happen again.
7....
You can train a wild animal and domesticate it but its always going to have its wild instincts come out.
6.....
A great opportunity presented itself and it helped you grow. You finally feel a connection to civilization and a sense of normalcy where people don't want to hurt you. But you realize you know one day you're going to hurt them, because that wild animal is deep inside of you.
5....
You know one day you're going to have to share the bad news with someone who wants to get close to you, but if you can't even tell your own family how can you tell anyone else? You decide to hold it in and make a tough decsion.
4....
You begin to start making changes and its seen by others. You're told compliments and for once feel like a part of something.
3.....
You feel happy, and the sadness that plagued you is gone and for the first time theres a chance where you can share your big secret.
2....
In that moment a weight is lifted off as you hug those that have taken you in despite your flaws and you can just cry out that fear away. All the anger is gone and you now have things to be proud of.
1.....
I guess 2013 wasn't that bad, but there's still so much left to go before I can say I'm ready to be around people. Being let down by someone whom you thought you can count on is difficult to come to terms with, but in losing one person I gained a few more who have shown me they are willing to stay. Hopefully one day I'll have to courage to share with my family the truth but for now I have my friends and I'm doing really well.
2014...you're just another year to me but I can look at you and smile and say this time Ima be ok.
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