bang bang

Sometimes you meet someone who helps ya hear the *BANG* you needed to hear. That gunshot, like one heard at the start of a race. That person makes ya wake up and start running and next thing you know your mind opens and focuses on the path ahead. Your legs feel weak your heart starts pumping. You out of breath, sweating and the only thing you want to see is that finish line. But hold on..what about the one who started that feeling, who set ya off running to an unknown point. Do they run with you?

They could...they should..maybe they would...but you run alone.

I'm not saying its a bad or good thing. You just gotta hear that *BANG* and run . You don't need them to run with you, but they appear along the way. Guiding you, cheering you on. They could also be just firing and not following. Not caring. Not even standing by the checkpoint to pass us that cup of water.


I think I heard it. I think I'm running. I'm not looking back, only forward. I don't care whose on the finish line. I just gotta reach my goal, or even a goal. I don't know what I want.

I thank the one who pulled the trigger, who woke me up and made me see I don't want to be trapped anymore.

sounds easy but it isnt.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there.
                                                         -Bob Marley

another mindless rant

http://gawker.com/5839947/comment-of-the-day-how-friends-destroyed-the-middle-class
Ok so its a little out of what I'm usually blabbing about. But sometimes there are more interesting things in life besides being emo lol.

I read it cause I was curious and also because I'm constantly on Gawker.com (never heard of it check it out great articles about life and interests).

The economy right now is in a shit hole. Finding a job is almost impossible even if you have the degree to back you up. Renting an apartment now includes giving up your first born child in a ONE year lease. And even going out to a nice place such as a Bronx Zoo and being able to see an actual animal is $30 a person (its an all inclusive pass to see everything, yes they charge to see certain animals smh). And yet from what I recall when I watch T.V. ( I rarely do) everyone has money to do what they want, be who they want, live where they want, etc.

I couldn't stop laughing at the post becuase it has truth in it. I have a silly BA. All I was able to get was a job I was nowhere near qualified for and had to quit due to fear of being sued. I ended up 6 months unemployed not able to find anything in anything. At long last I found a job working at Aldo being in charge of accessory shipments and refilling handbag walls. Not what I imagined when I graduated college. I spent 5months there meanwhile I managed to get into substitute teaching for a day care and as of September I am now an Assistant Teacher for a day care program in Queens.

All this, and my BA is in film. So all this time and can't even get a script right or ready to shoot. And been on set for a few productions (at least I manged to score an imdb page lol). I didnt get out of school thinking I was going to make it big. No of course not, but I felt let down with looking for the stability that would allow me to pursue my art. Thats where things failed because its overlooked on some of these T.V. shows/ movies/ books, etc. What we see are people who get out of school, in fact some are show automatcially making it without going to school and they can do what they please and the reality of what I so far have experienced is ignored.

Now as I say all this I'm speaking on behalf of myself. Maybe for some they have the knack to make it right away. Me with my current sitios have not been so lucky and had to find ways to stay on my feet.


I wont say "Friends" destroyed the middle class I think its more that it stretched out the truth. I dont know much about new shows out (well besides Dexter, SOA, Jersey Shore and GG). So I don't know if the economy is now being played real. But it would be nice to see a drama where its opposite Gossip Girl and instead of focusing on Manhattans elite, why not focus on people living on a small block in Queens where money is tight? Where every episode doesn't include a gala or a ball in fact you get the occasional house party. Lets have the protagonists who've been out of high school for about 6-7 years but still living at home to help pay their parents rent because times are too hard right now to live on their own? You would still have the gossip, the sex, the blackmail, drama, and occasional comedic relief. Come on Chuck Bass could of gone to Newtown and still be the same playboy he is in the Upper East Side except he just chills on Lamont Ave smoking an L. Just switch his suits with a white tee, blue jeans and timbs and you can still have the same story play out. Maybe it's just me, but I think it would work, cause its real.

And I know some of ya are gonna be like Barbi Q. why don't you write this show, and maybe I will. But I have the belief that people wanna see what life can be like not what it really is.

Citizen Erased

Imagine you've gone missing. Who would look for you? Who would notice you been gone? How long would it take to figure it out? How long til the search becomes tedious and the party gives up?

A friend of mine once had a dream that our friends were all together prepping for my mass. I was missing and it seemed to them that I was dead and gone. A few nights before I dreamed i was stabbed and left to die. My final breaths i saw my friends looking but i couldnt scream or cry out to them. My voice was gone.

Now lets get back to missing. Are you dead? Are surviving? What wills you to keep going? Determined to rise from the grave given to you.

Me? Just the idea of attending my own wake. Think about it a room filled with people wearing black, crying, probably a hater or two who can care less about my status. All of them focused, not seeing the small framed figure walking through the door. Mousy reddish brown hair, dirty tanned skin, and ripped disheveled clothes. Black bottomed feet stride slowly through the room as row by row people gasp in fear and surprise. Make it to the front where someone stands.

"Who died?" the figure will say.

"You did" the answer.

Open the casket its empty. Turn around look at everyone. A slight smirk on your face appears. And the rest is just left to imagine. For a moment you were erased, now what to do from there?

Maps

Every time I hear this song, or its mentioned to me I think about the first time I heard it years ago. I saw the video on MTV, and didn't think much of it until one day I really heard it. Im talking about I looked up lyrics and everything and just had to know this song inside and out. I had it completly known, every word, and sound. The song became a part of me. When it was released on rock band it officially became my jam. I love how people tell me they hear that song and it reminds them of me. I feel like it works. Yea...its my song.


"Made off..don't stray....my kind is your kind...I'll stay the same..."



This post is dedicated to my "nephew" Jonathan...who always reminds me how amazing this song is. <3

it rises as the sun

She watches the sun come up...thinking of the person she is. Spent most of the day drinking yet felt no affect. No tiredness or fatigue. Watching those around her as they war with each other. Tension building as she only stares no words out of her mouth. She thinks of what she's holding down...for what cause? Is it the cure for her loneliness? Or desperation to have the extended family she wished she had? Stupidity is the word in her mind but she also is one who knows too much for her own good. One who was taught lessons she did not ask for and now feels a weight on her shoulders that she wishes she can throw off. But then what is she left with? Its all she knows and like a glass shattering on the floor she runs chasing a victim to release frustration on. Snapping, swinging nothing makes sense. She knows what the consequence will be if she let's it all go. To face a side of her hidden inside ready to rise as the sun in the morning sky.

Sacrifices

Last night on Gossip Girl I once again witnessed Chuck Bass give up his happiness for Blair. Once again becua in seaosn2 he did the same....
Chuck lets Blair go


So i guess it teaches that we have to make sacrifices for others to be happy even at the sake of our own. If its meant to be it'll come back, if not then something else will come along.