It dawned on me today that I have been selfish. Selfish because I spend my time going back and forth wondering what I do that makes people leave. This year has been a slap to my face, as I tried to get close to people only to have them walk away, sometimes without even a goodbye. The thought that I have to be doing something wrong, and why don't people want to be around me of course cree through and it leaves me caught up in my own bubble of fear and then today I realized something. I spent so much time focusing on my own issue of people leaving that I didn't even look at the people that have always been there.
In my pain, grief and desire to torture myself on everything that I do that can drive people away, I forgot there are people there who despite every flaw that I contain, and despite the amount of times I have fucked up, the truth is and has always been...that they are still there.
My friends...this is my apology. For missing out on family nights, or not making that call or writing that text to say hello. For not being grateful for not sharing my secrets that I have shared with you and for listening to to my mindless rants about nothingness that crosses my mind. Apologies for avoiding social networking because I just cant deal with how stuck I am and don't want to see others living their lives, my selfishness.
I'm sorry. I can't deal with people leaving, but you guys didn't and for that I am ever grateful and love you. You remind me why I am still here and you know who you are.
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