Commencement

Soo a few months ago I submitted for a contest to speak at my graduation...I wasn't picked but I'd figured I'd share it with all of you.

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            Good evening all respected faculty, family and friends. To the Class of 2016 a special welcome to all of you. Tonight’s Commencement means the end of our journey here at Hunter College, but it also means a beginning. We are commencing a new chapter, for some we have been educators working long days in our respected classrooms, for others they are just expanding their horizon, making calls, and waiting anxiously for that chance to do what their passions have brought them to. To teach.

            I don’t want to spend my time up here talking the cliché, of how we have worked hard to get here. We know that, what I want to touch upon is being in the moment. Taking in what is around you, everyone in this room, from our Professors, our families, our friends, and cohorts are all sharing this moment, this achievement, and for that you should give yourself a chance to really let it sink in.

            Learning to be in the moment was one of the first lessons I encountered when I began working in the classroom. I was college graduate, also from Hunter, I studied film and in my struggle to maintain stability in economic hard times, I found myself working at a Universal Pre-K as an assistant teacher. I ended up basically at the beginning, because it was the same school I attended at the age of 4. I found myself at full circle, sitting in a classroom working with the children and I realized I wanted these kids to have something better, and what was better than having a teacher, who came from their neighborhood, who attended this same school. I wanted to be the teacher who encouraged them, reminded that they can do so much if they just focused. And then I found myself in that moment, when I showed one of my students a picture of the sun, and watched how he couldn’t believe what he was seeing, he was surprised, he kept asking questions and wanting to see more. I found myself amazed by how he was absorbing the information, and me being able to put aside my own personal issues, I allowed myself to take in that moment. It was short but to the both of us it meant more. For him, his drawings changed and weren’t of your typical kid pic of a sun. No, he was channeling what he learned. For me, it established that I found where I needed to be.

            I won’t lie, I have cried, had doubts, been anxious, and yet also found myself feeling like I am achieving something amazing. I’m sure most of you can agree that some days are tough, and some days are exciting, but don’t forget who you are sharing those moments with. Everyday for six hours you share a space with young minds that look up to you, and are part of that everyday hustle and bustle we go through. Teaching isn’t a walk in the park, and by sitting here tonight at Commencement we know that this is only beginning of the journey that lies ahead of us.

            Tupac Shakur once said, “I’m not saying I’m gonna change the world, but I guarantee that I will spark the brain that will change it.” That is what we should aim for. As educators, we should accept moments in our classroom, the triumphs and even the plans that don’t work out, but keep in mind with who you are working with. Allow them to enjoy their time at school, to face their challenges and know they have the ability to get through things. Guide them and experience those small moments that allow them to open their minds. Remember, the sun is more than just circle with triangles around it, it’s a big ball of energy that lights up the galaxy, and with those small simple moments in the classroom, they can learn to do the same.

            To the Class of 2016, I say take a deep breath, and enjoy what is happening right now. This moment you have earned it, so allow yourself to take in what it means to you and what it will mean later on in your future endeavors. It has been a pleasure to walk through these halls again with all of you, and I wish you all the very best and congratulations.

            Thank you.

Intermission

Something's come up,
I don't know what it means.
I just have a feeling things ain't gonna be easy.
They never are, so what makes it now so different.
Cause now I have the world watching me,
and I refuse to let em watch me fall.
Let me take this break to plan my next move.
Show you what this little pawn can do.

Solo Adventure

Lately I haven't been in the best of moods, not sleeping well, and having strange dreams, so today I decided to go on an adventure. Now just warning you this may sound like an Elite Daily article, but honestly I don't give a fuck.

Today I took myself out on a date, spend some time out, thought a museum would be a good time. Don't get me wrong, I did hit people up, but in the end I found myself on my own. And in my search of which museum to visit I found a trailer to a movie called "My Golden Days", and I was hooked. My trip to a museum turned into a movie day, and with that I showered and made my way to Manhattan. Got off the train, walked by the Anti-Trump rally, checked that out for a bit, thought about my old protest and rally days, and then made my way to Lincoln Center.

I got hungry, and went ahead an enjoyed a meal on my own. I felt strange, sitting by myself, drinking  a beer. Its strange when you're alone, you don't know where to look. I found myself looking at a woman also alone drinking coffee, an old couple in which the woman was using Siri to figure out how to get a movie review, and then there was the old woman with a young child. I assume that it was a grandmother spending the day with her grandchild, she was reading to her, and it reminded me of my relationship with my grandmother. It was one of those moments that made me glad that I have had good moments with someone who genuinely cares for me.

I enjoyed my meal and made my way to the movie theater. It was strange to be on the line alone. Once again no one to talk to, BUT getting a seat in where I like to sit in a movie theater was a breeze!! (note:I was probably the youngest person in that theater) I found a single seat in the back and center and made myself comfortable. It was there I had another moment where I overheard the man next to me tell a woman he was with (maybe his date? lol) that he graduated high school in 1945!!! He spoke of the draft and how the war was still going. There was a part of me that wanted to join in, just to know more, but I sat quietly next to him, listening to what I could and then the room went dark and the movie began.

"My Golden Days", told the story of a man thinking about three points of his youth, touching upon his childhood, his teenage years, and the girl he loved. It was basically your typical coming of age story, but I enjoyed it very much. It reminded me of my love for cinema, and being able to tell a story visually. I recommend that if you have a chance to see it, do it, so we can talk about it (especially about the ending, cause I have my issues with it there).

I don't want to lie, I felt sad being alone. I can't control if people say they busy, but it really sucks when people don't answer. When you know a lot of people it's not the same as having friends, and being able to get that in my head almost made me cry, but I didn't. I took today to give myself a chance to see how awesome I am. I took myself out on what I felt would be the ideal date, I got to explore, eat some good food, and saw a movie. I got to take a look at the world and observe the people that live in it. So my piece of advice I guess is allow yourself a day like that. Just go out on your own and make the best of it. I know I plan on going on more solo adventures, there's a sense of freedom and being able to get to know yourself. I know after today I am one step closer to figuring out how to love myself and I guess thats what matters.

Slow down

Been disoriented, overwhelmed with ideas and plans. My insecurities have a way of speaking to me, that I find myself answering back. Stuff I'm just not sure of, things I'm expected to do, what is it that I want? Thoughts just racing through my head, I almost forget where I'm standing. I have places to go, if I stop who knows how everything will crash. Then I look up. I see a yellow light before the sunset and it reminds me to just slow down. 

Saturdazed and Sunfused

Spend all week working and stressing, waiting for the weekend.

Go out have a few drinks, meet a few people, try not to get drunk.

Dance with strangers, lines for bathrooms, crowds at the bar, patience is tested. 

Don't know if I wanna be there or not, I'm just going through the motions and jam to whats playing. 

Get a little dazed out in my environment, its normal to forget things. 

Make sure to get home, don't spend the cab fare, that shot ain't needed.

See the sun come up, my favorite thing to do.

Go to sleep, wake up confused, go through my phone no evidence, fuck what did I do?

Nothing's wrong, bet guess I'll breathe out "phew".

I know in a few days, pics will be uploaded and I'll see if I come out in them.

I struck a few poses, there was nothing to it. 

I don't know if I want the party to end.

Listen to some oldies, songs I didn't hear the night before.

Start thinking about the things I wanna do.

Think about what to paint, and write.

Put my energy in something else.

Maybe next weekend will be different, try something new.

Think about the night before and those before it, 

yet in the end though, I put it all in retrospective, it was a good night after all, why not allow a part 2?

Understanding the Beast- Goodbye 2015

"A mistake can be as simple as writing fresh produde on a grocery sign, or it can be as destructive as making a wrong assumption. Either way you do what you can to learn and move on"- Me.

Before I start this ain't some new year new me bullshit. Fuck that I never been one to think like that, January 1st is just the next day, it just happens to be a different year when it arrives. So please be advised this is more about my continuing growth as I get older; mentally, and emotionally.

For years I have said my goal is to calm down the beast within and become one that's acceptable to society, and guess what I've failed each time. I've tried telling it to go away, I've hurt myself in the process, repressing it away only to have it come back out like a jack-in-the-box throwing all my insecurities out for the world to see and fear.

What made 2015 the one to really stand out? This time the beast destroyed my friendships and a chance (or so I thought) to love. I think though its always played that role. I'm a destroyer, not allowed to have nice things. I've stood around and witnessed the damage I've done, I have faced the rejection from those around me and this year ends with me thinking I finally know what to do.

Over the summer, before the the disaster I had an interesting conversation with my cousin and she said she was tired of hearing people break me down and trying to figure me out. That she has known me forever and can say she has witnessed all my flaws but has also seen the good. She said she looks at me and sees the good I have done and continue to do. What had helped her see that was by understanding me; not changing me, not taming me (to think a word used for animals was used towards me). She said being a witness to my experiences helped her understand me, and be able to be the support I needed. She also reminded me of all my fuck ups but told me I needed to hear them, because I needed to know where I went wrong. This subject would be repeated later on, her reminding me.

For 2016 I'm not going to put the beast away, I'm not killing it, or allow it to take over. I want to understand it, support it. I started, been trying to get why it appears and loves to taunt me. So far I've seen that the beast within me isn't just reflected in my anger, but in my art, my work, and studies. It has a drive to be present and it has been working alongside me. I'm not going to lie there are power struggles, but it's a work in progress. My goal is to understand the beast within me, to support it into becoming my passion. I mean to make any relationship work both parties gotta understand and support each other, right?

I'm not saying this is going to make any thing that I have done better. I have the heart of a savage, it's what provides my intensity. Even if it has caused me to make mistakes, I'm finally learning from them.

So yea 2016 whats good?

There's a Light

The sun was starting to go down on the desolate road. It was only appropriate for my car to break down. I heard my father's voice in my head all those times he would tell me to listen carefully to my car, weird sounds were never good, but no I had to be stubborn. I'm as hardheaded as they come, it's why I was in this mess and on this road in the first place. Leaning my head back, I had to think fast.

Smart phone, duh.

I looked at my phone, "fuck" just one bar. I attempted to make a call, but no luck it wouldn't go through. Phone's on 65, at least I had that. I did refrain from opening any network apps. It's easy for me to look at them and get lost in what other people post, but right now I needed to save my battery. I needed to save my car. Shit I needed to save me.

Of course count on me to get on a random road alone, to just become fed up and drive off. I looked at my phone no messages, nothing new I rarely get hit ups. Then again lets be somewhat hopeful, I barely have service.

"Faaaaacccckkkkkkkkk!!!" I screamed out loud, as I hit my steering wheel. I need to get it together. Breathe in, breathe out. I took my phone and opened Siri, "please tell me where I am", secretly hoping that he (yea Siri is a he, and with an Australian accent, don't ask why), would tell me.

"No answer, not enough reception, can't help you, out of order, not in service, fuck your life, fuck your decisions, deal with it, you assed out playa".

Is what my my phone should of said. I sighed, but no reception. Hitting the back of my head against the seat, it was time to think fast and make an executive decision. "Why the fuck did I leave the house?" Fucking anxiety, stays screwing with me. Everyone is hanging out having fun, I've known them for years but right away I ask "What do they see in me?" "Why was I invited?" "Why can't I just chill?". The 15year old in my mind freaking out causing me, a grown adult to just walk out, ignore the questions, hop in my car and drive off. Did I mention I'm slightly intoxicated? And now I'm stranded on a country road, the sun is going down and I'm alone.

Sitting in silence I took one last look at my phone, no messages, apps can't connect, can't make calls. 62% on my phone, sun is going down and I gotta make a move, I'm sure I can walk my way back to the house and tell the guys to help me. But would they? "Shit!" I'm sure I fucked up again, what else is new? Ok breathe in, breathe out. I take my keys, grab my phone and get out of the car. Sun is setting, I start to walk. No headphones, no music, just walking. I know my car is safe. I think it's safe, no it's safe. God it's getting dark, my phone has a flashlight. My heart is beating fast, my anxiety off the chain I know this isn't safe but what else could I do?

I walk alongside the road, where the fuck are we? Why are there no other cars? "UGHHHH!" I look at the sky, it's getting dark, I turn on my phone's light. I think I couldn't have gotten that far? But I wasn't all there. Why hasn't anyone hit me up? They don't miss me, I'm gone, dead to them. I keep walking. I look through the trees, and see smoke in the distance, I stop and stare at it. If I get off the road it can be dangerous. But there could be people, there could be a working phone, I have to pee, why did I have that beer? I feel myself walking towards it, and the closer I get I see the shape of a house, it's dark within the shadows of the trees and as I hope for life, I see it.

There's a light.



Painting: "There's a Light"
Work of fiction by me.