There's a Light

The sun was starting to go down on the desolate road. It was only appropriate for my car to break down. I heard my father's voice in my head all those times he would tell me to listen carefully to my car, weird sounds were never good, but no I had to be stubborn. I'm as hardheaded as they come, it's why I was in this mess and on this road in the first place. Leaning my head back, I had to think fast.

Smart phone, duh.

I looked at my phone, "fuck" just one bar. I attempted to make a call, but no luck it wouldn't go through. Phone's on 65, at least I had that. I did refrain from opening any network apps. It's easy for me to look at them and get lost in what other people post, but right now I needed to save my battery. I needed to save my car. Shit I needed to save me.

Of course count on me to get on a random road alone, to just become fed up and drive off. I looked at my phone no messages, nothing new I rarely get hit ups. Then again lets be somewhat hopeful, I barely have service.

"Faaaaacccckkkkkkkkk!!!" I screamed out loud, as I hit my steering wheel. I need to get it together. Breathe in, breathe out. I took my phone and opened Siri, "please tell me where I am", secretly hoping that he (yea Siri is a he, and with an Australian accent, don't ask why), would tell me.

"No answer, not enough reception, can't help you, out of order, not in service, fuck your life, fuck your decisions, deal with it, you assed out playa".

Is what my my phone should of said. I sighed, but no reception. Hitting the back of my head against the seat, it was time to think fast and make an executive decision. "Why the fuck did I leave the house?" Fucking anxiety, stays screwing with me. Everyone is hanging out having fun, I've known them for years but right away I ask "What do they see in me?" "Why was I invited?" "Why can't I just chill?". The 15year old in my mind freaking out causing me, a grown adult to just walk out, ignore the questions, hop in my car and drive off. Did I mention I'm slightly intoxicated? And now I'm stranded on a country road, the sun is going down and I'm alone.

Sitting in silence I took one last look at my phone, no messages, apps can't connect, can't make calls. 62% on my phone, sun is going down and I gotta make a move, I'm sure I can walk my way back to the house and tell the guys to help me. But would they? "Shit!" I'm sure I fucked up again, what else is new? Ok breathe in, breathe out. I take my keys, grab my phone and get out of the car. Sun is setting, I start to walk. No headphones, no music, just walking. I know my car is safe. I think it's safe, no it's safe. God it's getting dark, my phone has a flashlight. My heart is beating fast, my anxiety off the chain I know this isn't safe but what else could I do?

I walk alongside the road, where the fuck are we? Why are there no other cars? "UGHHHH!" I look at the sky, it's getting dark, I turn on my phone's light. I think I couldn't have gotten that far? But I wasn't all there. Why hasn't anyone hit me up? They don't miss me, I'm gone, dead to them. I keep walking. I look through the trees, and see smoke in the distance, I stop and stare at it. If I get off the road it can be dangerous. But there could be people, there could be a working phone, I have to pee, why did I have that beer? I feel myself walking towards it, and the closer I get I see the shape of a house, it's dark within the shadows of the trees and as I hope for life, I see it.

There's a light.



Painting: "There's a Light"
Work of fiction by me.

logging into the subway

Torture is being on the subway with no music synced on your phone. I try pandora and YouTube but it fails at certain spots, and face it is it worth the usage of data? Do I really want that text saying how much I used? Beware of that $15 charge if I over do it. I pull out my book, getting into the title I feel like as I enter the subway car "Ready Player One " appears over my head. I'm on a quest to get home, exhausted and done. Working with children during the day, listening to lectures in the evening, my brain is ready to shut off, but I have to complete one final quest: get home. Book in hand I stand by the door, no seat available and I have little will power to even fight for one. My head spins a bit but I place my focus on my book, becoming engaged, surprised I'm enjoying this more than I thought. A part of me wishes to have a place like OASIS to hide, be who I want to be without the past haunting me. Be a hero for a change, instead of a villain. Getting in deeper in my book, I get dragged out by a voice, a high pitched annoying one spitting out teenage banter. I shake my head and try to ignore it. More people get on, some get off, I move over to adjust. Chapter 31, damn I can't believe I'm almost done, what am I gonna read next? Am I ok with my goal this year? 15 books is a lot, maybe I can change it, thats cheating. No brain stay on task. A man sneezes, I cough. "Stand clear of closing doors" ugh how much longer? I check my phone, answer a text, LOL, but am I really laughing? I look out the window, back at my book. My focus is dimming, I put it away, stare out at the world. This experience isn't just my own, I see through the reflection, this moment I'm sharing with all of these people. Some look tired, others looking like they just starting their day. I don't know them, their stories, they don't know mine, but we are all sharing this moment. This train ride. Their noise has become my noise, it irritates me but I just let it sink in. My thoughts are on them, not my own, so I guess it is my OASIS, my way of getting out my real world and being a part of something more. 

socks

Socks are that thing that you're just meant to lose. It never fails I buy a new pack of socks and voila they just start missing and I gotta mix match and fml where did it go??

Now I don't care about mix matching socks, honestly don't. But then sometimes I look at the odd pair and just think ya shouldn't be together, it just doesn't work for me. Like why can't ya be the same and show some sort of order, why the matching sock had to mess things up or was it you? Be honest sock cause you alone now and I gotta make you chill with another sock, maybe it fucked up too and ya both can fuck up together because ya dont match and now I gotta stare at two un-matching socks that FUCK UP MY FLOW! I can't just look down at my feet and be like this is ok, no its not, its terrible and I can't think about anything else cause my fucking socks don't match. 

And as i'm breathing in and out and really look at the mess I've made, I stop and think what am I going off about? It's not so bad, i mean they seem to mesh well, and it's not like people can see they don't match, I gotta wear shoes over them. And if they see, who cares? They my socks, they are working together and doing what they gotta do to cover my feet. Sometimes two different socks can complement each other very well. Stripes and spots, greens with pinks. Maybe I'll find their original partners, maybe those two can work together, but for now I'm just breathing and wearing 2 different socks. 

I'm talking about socks, clearly. Socks. Ok. Just in case, socks. 

Today

Today is the 1st day of the rest of my life. 

I've said this a lot, but this time I mean it for real, for real.

I'm opening my eyes, 

freeing my mind, 

embracing my soul.

It's the quest to make peace with my inner turmoil.

I woke up smiling today,

and my eyes were dry.

No hands on my shoulders,

no guide,

no pep talk,

its just me this time. 

This is my fight, I will rise. 

Clarity on a Mountain Top

Today I found myself on top of a mountain. I looked over the cliff, held my friends camera and snapped everything I could. I wanted to capture that brief moment where I was on top of the world, looking down. My heart pounding, legs weary from walking, feeling myself out of breath, I did it. I struggled to keep up with everyone, but I took my time, kept my pace and lost all train of thought when I finally saw the view. All I could think was the quote "I didn't come here to die, I came here to see if I'm still alive".

We made it, for some of us it was the first time hiking, for others they had experience.But for all of us it was an achievement. None of us got hurt, we all took care of each other. We all stood there and admired the view. We all congratulated each other and celebrated that we did something different. I'm sure whoever was on those trails heard our victory.

As we walked through the town of Cold Springs, looking at the small shops, we laughed out loud making jokes. We were the outsiders, and it was ok, it made us laugh more. It was peaceful. People spoke to us, they said hello. It was friendly. The parade was going down Main Street and it starred all of us. No one seemed bothered, in fact they smiled back our energy radiated in that town.

Then we made our way back to the city. Walking through Grand Central station looking above at the ceiling like a tourist I recorded what I saw. Reality struck though as I heard the noise, and then boom the city reminded me of its rawness.  Drug addicts getting their fill on the subway, cops walking around, cars honking, packed trains with people pushing for seats. I rolled my eyes grabbed a seat.

It's crazy how two places only an hour and half apart by train can be so different. On that mountain I could think and process my thoughts. I could look around and appreciate the simplicity of life. I was able to drain out the toxicity inside of me. I got home and thought with a clear mind how much of this raw, toxic behavior I carry within myself. I can be selfish, obnoxious and insecure. I have done things that have hurt people that I care about, the ones who care about me. I have allowed myself to become one with this negativity, letting things get in my head, and today as I stood on top of that mountain I felt some sort of clarity. But that clarity reminded me that I have to change my ways, I have to take that step and not allow myself to become that person again. Today I got a chance to laugh and go on an adventure with some of them and to feel that positive force from completing a challenge together gave me some assurance that I can change, be a part of something positive. I know I may never be able to fully make it up to the people I have hurt with my behaviors, there will never be an excuse for anything that I have done, but past is prologue, and as the story unfolds the ending can be brighter, better not just for me, but for those that I cherish within my heart but have let down.

I guess what I'm asking for is hope.

June 30th

"June 30th. On the sun roof. He woke up suddenly. At that instant a jet from the air base crawled in silence overhead. On the beach, children try to leap into its swift shadow."-Jim Morrison

The lights flashed,
phones went off.
The valley of buildings shook with a tremor.
Police and ambulances scramble.
The air was felt with a life fading away.
I was 19, lost a member of my tribe.
I look back and cry.
I wish I could have one more day,
Just to show you all that I've done.
Thank you for those days you dragged me to school,
Thank you for those walks where we could talk nonsense for hours,
Thank you for being my brother from another mother.

R.I.P. Bryant, 9 years later and it still feels like yesterday. 

It's been 10 years

The year was 2000, the new millennium and I was an 8th grader not sure of where I wanted to go for high school and one of my teachers pushed me to audition for a new arts school that was opening in Queens. She kept telling me it would be the best place for me to go, to just try and see what happens. Well I went with a monologue from "Butterflies are Free", and remember having a panic attack when after I was finished and they asked me for another piece. I froze. I was told to prepare one and stayed quiet until I started to tell a story and somehow it worked. A few weeks later I got my acceptance letter and the rest was history. 

Tonight is my high school reunion, and while some people hear that and are like "really you're going?" I'm actually looking very forward to it. In the past 10 years I have gone through some serious life changing moments, from finishing school to figuring out that my dream job wasn't going to cut it as a full time, to the death of one of my closest friends, to finding the career and getting on the track I needed to be on. And Im assuming that to most of my fellow FSSA peers the same can be said, 10 years is a long time and I'm sure we have all grown in some way.

One thing I've always felt bad about is that in those 10 years I let go some of the friendships I had. I'm notorious for not keeping in contact, and when asked if I speak to anyone from high school, I say "well does facebook count?" (And lets not forget I'm in this unplugging from social media process that probably going to make me a complete ghost from people). But yea for those who I was really close with in High School and have not spoken to in years I'm sorry. Life happens and people lose touch and unfortunately there is no reset button. So one hope I have is that this reunion reminds all of us of the good times because our high school, despite all of the drama, was one hell of experience. We went to the Frank Sinatra School of the Arts, we were the FIRST  4 year graduating class. We were together that day on September 10, 2001 (yea I know what the next day was #NeverForget) when that hallway opened up and we experienced 4 years of something different. We were teenagers who witnessed adult drama from our teachers who gave us the lesson that some of us wont ever grow up, to finding the right teachers who motivated and pushed us to become better than what we already were. Cell phones and the internet was new, and we knew how to look things up without google. We had a library with no books, and pulled off stunts that anywhere else would of gotten us expelled. We weren't fighting over who was the most popular, we were an accepting group of people, because we all knew somehow that anywhere else we probably wouldn't have fit in. (At least I'm speaking for myself). 

High School was where Barbi was born. (Yes mi boba I still have this.) 

If I went to a regular high school I probably would of been lost in the crowd.  It helped me  to begin clearing out the mess in my head (not gonna lie theres still some clutter lol) and I discovered my speciality wasn't in acting but more in writing, and not for theater but for films. Hence why in college I got my BA in Film Studies and later on got this gem http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3587567/.  

So tonight lets have a drink and remember the good times. Oh and for those wondering I'm a Pre-K teacher working towards my Masters Degree in Early Childhood Education. I've seriously come a long way from the annoying thug life girl I was in high school.