December 31, 2015

Understanding the Beast- Goodbye 2015

"A mistake can be as simple as writing fresh produde on a grocery sign, or it can be as destructive as making a wrong assumption. Either way you do what you can to learn and move on"- Me.

Before I start this ain't some new year new me bullshit. Fuck that I never been one to think like that, January 1st is just the next day, it just happens to be a different year when it arrives. So please be advised this is more about my continuing growth as I get older; mentally, and emotionally.

For years I have said my goal is to calm down the beast within and become one that's acceptable to society, and guess what I've failed each time. I've tried telling it to go away, I've hurt myself in the process, repressing it away only to have it come back out like a jack-in-the-box throwing all my insecurities out for the world to see and fear.

What made 2015 the one to really stand out? This time the beast destroyed my friendships and a chance (or so I thought) to love. I think though its always played that role. I'm a destroyer, not allowed to have nice things. I've stood around and witnessed the damage I've done, I have faced the rejection from those around me and this year ends with me thinking I finally know what to do.

Over the summer, before the the disaster I had an interesting conversation with my cousin and she said she was tired of hearing people break me down and trying to figure me out. That she has known me forever and can say she has witnessed all my flaws but has also seen the good. She said she looks at me and sees the good I have done and continue to do. What had helped her see that was by understanding me; not changing me, not taming me (to think a word used for animals was used towards me). She said being a witness to my experiences helped her understand me, and be able to be the support I needed. She also reminded me of all my fuck ups but told me I needed to hear them, because I needed to know where I went wrong. This subject would be repeated later on, her reminding me.

For 2016 I'm not going to put the beast away, I'm not killing it, or allow it to take over. I want to understand it, support it. I started, been trying to get why it appears and loves to taunt me. So far I've seen that the beast within me isn't just reflected in my anger, but in my art, my work, and studies. It has a drive to be present and it has been working alongside me. I'm not going to lie there are power struggles, but it's a work in progress. My goal is to understand the beast within me, to support it into becoming my passion. I mean to make any relationship work both parties gotta understand and support each other, right?

I'm not saying this is going to make any thing that I have done better. I have the heart of a savage, it's what provides my intensity. Even if it has caused me to make mistakes, I'm finally learning from them.

So yea 2016 whats good?