Today I found myself on top of a mountain. I looked over the cliff, held my friends camera and snapped everything I could. I wanted to capture that brief moment where I was on top of the world, looking down. My heart pounding, legs weary from walking, feeling myself out of breath, I did it. I struggled to keep up with everyone, but I took my time, kept my pace and lost all train of thought when I finally saw the view. All I could think was the quote "I didn't come here to die, I came here to see if I'm still alive".
We made it, for some of us it was the first time hiking, for others they had experience.But for all of us it was an achievement. None of us got hurt, we all took care of each other. We all stood there and admired the view. We all congratulated each other and celebrated that we did something different. I'm sure whoever was on those trails heard our victory.
As we walked through the town of Cold Springs, looking at the small shops, we laughed out loud making jokes. We were the outsiders, and it was ok, it made us laugh more. It was peaceful. People spoke to us, they said hello. It was friendly. The parade was going down Main Street and it starred all of us. No one seemed bothered, in fact they smiled back our energy radiated in that town.
Then we made our way back to the city. Walking through Grand Central station looking above at the ceiling like a tourist I recorded what I saw. Reality struck though as I heard the noise, and then boom the city reminded me of its rawness. Drug addicts getting their fill on the subway, cops walking around, cars honking, packed trains with people pushing for seats. I rolled my eyes grabbed a seat.
It's crazy how two places only an hour and half apart by train can be so different. On that mountain I could think and process my thoughts. I could look around and appreciate the simplicity of life. I was able to drain out the toxicity inside of me. I got home and thought with a clear mind how much of this raw, toxic behavior I carry within myself. I can be selfish, obnoxious and insecure. I have done things that have hurt people that I care about, the ones who care about me. I have allowed myself to become one with this negativity, letting things get in my head, and today as I stood on top of that mountain I felt some sort of clarity. But that clarity reminded me that I have to change my ways, I have to take that step and not allow myself to become that person again. Today I got a chance to laugh and go on an adventure with some of them and to feel that positive force from completing a challenge together gave me some assurance that I can change, be a part of something positive. I know I may never be able to fully make it up to the people I have hurt with my behaviors, there will never be an excuse for anything that I have done, but past is prologue, and as the story unfolds the ending can be brighter, better not just for me, but for those that I cherish within my heart but have let down.
I guess what I'm asking for is hope.
