007

Even in a James Bond book, can you come across a quote that can make you think, and reveals some truth. 

-Casino Royale by Ian Flemming

Silly thoughts

She watched the van with much suspicion. It was a hazy summer day, not so hot with a slight wind chill. A perfect day to be out on bike, and as she picked a spot to sit, she kept her eyes on the van. Her childish fear present in her mind. Watching too many action suspense thrillers made her always question vans parked outside. She always feared a white one would pull up and take her away. Silly girl she thought, she was a silly girl with silly thoughts. She smiled to herself, as a rumbling could be heard overhead. The train was passing on the overpass. A few bikes passed by on the lane, she heard children laughing as they played. People laying out on the grass, cars driving by, men fishing whatever they can find in the river. This is what she needed, a moment to enjoy simple everyday things, including the creepy van. 

Tranquility

When you realize you're not just sharing a moment with the people you are with, but with nature itself. That it looks at you, as you look at it. A connection is made and you both can share the same space and enjoy the tranquility together. Even in this vast concrete jungle, where I witnessed  4 lives change drastically today, you can make a simple connection with a living thing and watch how it adapted to the  same crazy world you live in. 

at this moment

"At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one."-Peyton Sawyer 

pedal, pedal, coast...

Lately I have found myself in a dark void of not being able to express myself. I get frustrated and distant and i just want to push away. I want to use a wall to give myself a force to just push off in another direction but as I let myself go, I crash into another wall, and make no progress. I have ideas but when I share they are just ridiculed and ignored. And I found myself making a contemplation that I know will only bury me more than I am already. I'm already suffocating and instead of gasping for air I'm holding myself down, face first under water, and the bubbles are slowing down.

I haven't been able to write anything decent in weeks. Been coughing and losing my voice. Been avoiding the foods that make me sick and yet my skin still feels like its on fire. I lay in bed looking at my ceiling, looking for cracks and imperfections.  Daymares have become common when i take naps, and at night my dreams are either empty voids or vivid twisted images of places I've never seen in person, but the familiarity leaves me awake with curiosity and fear. I've been reading so many books, and been listening to so much music, but I feel like I've lost all inspiration.

Until tonight.

I felt the wind in my hair, as I pedaled through the streets by my home. My first night, trying something new. I knew what awaited me at home, the anger and disappointment, but for that brief moment I just pushed that voice to the side.  I felt it build up as my anxiety reach its ultimate point, my inner voice yelling to stop, and slow down, but I couldn't listen. As the cars passed my side, I kept going pedaling and pedaling. Coasting down to the empty streets where I can claim it as my own, not having to share with no other vehicles. I wanted to feel something, even if it was just my heart racing in my chest. And as I turned into my block, I felt a smirk force its way onto my face and I genuinely felt free...

and was able to write this tonight.

Thoughts

I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me.